Posts Tagged Griffin Award
Archive for category Poems
Then count the glasses, the blinds, the dots on the wall, count them, count them afterward, always afterwards, always after words…was it always like this or was it like this then and then for some reason now because of her age, now go.
This album is in my car
The hounds of hell,
There is no help for you here girl go away, there is no home for you here, there is no help for you here girl go away, there is no home for you here, that’s right,
I don’t know what to do with myself
Come to me again in the cold, cold night
I’ll just lie in my bed anxiously waiting until you go home
This story is what I think of when I think of you.
“Rag mama rag this is the band, this is where it is remember shit can you remember this that time we had that don’t worry about that where did they go that is true where did they go now here there here there it can’t be like that where are they, where were they, that’s the wine on the wall this is where I was this is where I was ok this is where I was. Do you hear me? Know this is where I was. The wine and how do I stay out of that? Is that the character? This is the character, the addict, there is one old and young this is ok, there we go that’s fine there why you don’t want that character her e you don’t want that character here is that right ok.”
“Where did I go? Is that who you mean?”
“Thank you A.”
“Must be careful this is where the need comes from, the need, people knowing where is it going, this is where I was and this can’t go there, this was me calling J and this was me calling my d for lunch, this is lunch. This is lunch!”
“Start again, you here, start again.”
“Never should have taken the very best.”
“This is the table I miss.”
“What are you doing? How are you doing? How’s it going?”
“How’s it going? Pretty good how about you? Hi how are you?” pretty well
“How’s it going, Hi how are you, how is it going? Hi how are you? How’s it going? This is me, this is good I bow down to you to say I would like something from you I would like something from you say I would like things to be like this I have to get this off of my computer to get this going I have to get this going from off of my computer this is how it is going this is how it is going this is how it is going this is how it is going. I left and he took charge he took over I left and he took over this is what needs to happen I left and he took over. This went up too high, went up too high, this went up too high. Keep it lower must keep it lower, the flies ,the heat, the store, the Asian way, the way Dao is the way, the way there are many paths, these are the ways, this has to be clean like a meditation, clean like a meditation, we must ask to go into each other’s room, we have to ask to go into each other’s rooms, this is the way it will be then to ask to go into each other’s rooms we can do that, we have to ask to do that, I think this must be the way to do it, this must be the way to do it, this must be the way to do it. To ask to be grateful to go into what I have to do, this must be written down as it has been written down; this must be written down as it is written down. To combine all three to combine the three to ask before to ask before this will be written down to ask before.
Ok it is important to ask. I’ll ask next time this must be the thing to do to ask next time to ask next time. Please be for me and not for her why did I bring her there to help her to help her but I would like it if she would be there for me. This cannot be ok this whole thing what is going on must be careful and to ask if this is ok to ask the universe to ask to hear you wouldn’t believe what I have heard.
This is ok now be healthy this is who I must see maybe this is who I must see but I have to be careful this I must be careful about this it must be something to be careful about this I must be careful about. They are all crying and it’s very hard to write while they are all crying, they are all crying but I can’t help. I am here at least, I am in the garage and close to them.
Nest time nest time ovulation ok nest time I can keep going, I don’t have to do this I don’t have to I can’t find this anyway I probably can’t find this anyway. Maybe we should go together we should go see someone together we need to see a therapist together I guess we do we should I mean we should see two together. This is what I have this is what I have this is what I have this is what I have.
Existential Crisis #4 or is that A Creative Crisis or is that creative illness or is that separation anxiety or is that self analysis or is that love found and lost, then web of loss, or is that a cocoon??
Oh haven’t I documented the last three?
1: I should preface this with, I had just moved off of college street after living above coco lezzone for almost three years and was wanting to leave the film industry and get married and have children, so this was after getting engaged and my fiancee moving into my new apartment on Bartlett with me from London, while still living in the apartment on Bartlett above Bloor after living with my roommate on college stand before getting married: Crisis
Result of crisis: Left film, started therapy and my second BA in psychology at York which I completed in 2002, two years with distinction and volunteering at the distress centre and in Kanauague Quebec, I never spell it right, as well, my first degree being Honours East Asian Studies McGill 91-95
2: After getting married and buying a house:Crisis
Result of crisis: Finished writing Persephone which I started in the apt on college street written originally for the Anvil Three Day Novel Writing contest, my roommate won, I edited his book, also took writing workshops with author Cary Fagan, and journalism courses at Ryerson and wrote for Eye weekly
3:After kid number one was 18months:Crisis
Result of crisis: wrote 56 poems, read them at the art bar and was told they were more like songs, was already taking guitar lessons at central tech and in my instructors basement on Palmerston, singing from scratch at the royal conservatory a total trip, then pottery on Harbord, working on film Solace, painting lessons from my neighbours sister in her garden, then into U of T course 20th century abstraction
4:After kid number two was 18 months and my first kid went into grade one, huge separation:Crisis
Result of crisis be it existential or creative: Painting in a studio above The Department Gallery on Dundas West and, Writing, for six months, some group shows, also started poems on this blog, u of t modern architecture course and other prose, I suppose, and in the future like not this year because my kids too young, taking a Humber course on Creative Book Publishing and hopefully getting into the the writing schools correspondence course to write a novel from May to Nov will find out in a few days if Down the Street was accepted, the writer’s circle sounds cool too…
Dorthy Parker picking the word Horticulture out of a hat at one of the writers circles and having to use it in a sentence said:
“You can lead a whore to culture but you can’t make her drink.”
If this is not enough shared biographical information for Word press and Google I also worked in film as an assistant director for 10 years and traveled, in no particular order, through Italy, and France, drove and camped through Cape Breton, PEI and Nova Scotia, Scotland, Drove all around Ireland and Northern Ireland to see the Baymoore stone circles just before the Omah bombing of the shopping mall by the IRA, lived in Montreal and edited Vice Magazine, Denmark, Germany, France, Switzerland, UK, camped on the Isle of White, and travelled for three months in China, Mongolia, Myanmar, camped on the beach in Jamaica and saw Jimmy Cliff and Ziggy Marley live, Dominican Republic, California(like 40 times and all kinds of crazy shit) , New York many times for new years and friends and fun, Israel for a friends wedding SO GLAD I WENT just after my fiance moved to T.O left him in our cockroach infested apartment and went for two weeks with friend, Jordan, London, Paris, The Japanese airport many times, Copenhagen, Brugge (piece of my heart there too) Germany did I say Germany already, Munich for a day couldn’t handle the English German accent but went to the Oktoberfest bar anyway “ein beer bitta”, Berlin, the wall had just come down, walked around east Berlin and the zoo listening to Graceland on my yellow walkman, very surreal, went to Dacau, Amsterdam, bridges and canals and the redlight, ate space cake, went to Anne Franks attic, I have the same birthday as she did and Andy Taylor from Duran Duran or was it her sister…Budapest, Czechoslovakia (a piece of my heart is in Prague with Boris and Dorian who couldn’t go home to Croatia because of the war, and Greece), Santarini with the black sand almost stayed there and worked in a cafe and slept on the floor and rooves for that matter and beaches of course, Edinburgh many times once, the first time, for the film festival with my family drove around in shamu singing all the way, also Sundance that same summer, Drove from Caledon through Texas to Mexico, as well as from San diego to Tijuana, as well as club med Ixtapa, Atlanta, Louisiana, Memphis Graceland, Drove from T.O to Taos New Mexico reading The First Third and wrote with friends, Cuba etc…and was born and raised in Toronto and I’m Lithuanian, (fuck not Lutheran) but know nothing about that at all, maybe German, maybe Dutch Jew, Irish, English, maybe Dutch, French, Protestant, (ouch) Canadian Aquarian water rat with Polish, Ukrainian, (Russian), (Israeli) American and Native Canadian sensibilities in some form or another, would like to go to where Pilvishik Lithuania used to be someday to see where my grandparents were from on one side, would love to go to Poland and Russia too, have been to England and Ireland and seen the stone circles and kilns and castles and rolling green moores and landscape unlike any other
Still in therapy, personally and couples - try anything you can ie acupuncture, chiropractor, yoga but not right now, massage but not any more, working out, now going to get into winter jogging, and swimming, trying out the new tabs, alittle p.o.t etc…a drink now and again and good healthy food, I want to be a vegetarian again, I want to learn Reiki, and of course coffee and music, cigarettes only on a rare night out and maybe a dog at some point like a German Shepard or a husky, lab mix or something crazy like that, I love a Doberman but you have to be careful around the kids…and of course spending time in the schools and at home with the kids and helping out where I can without being too annoying…and figuring out how to help people who don’t have these things in a crisis
for biking beside me
on my way to pick up my daughter
and take her to the doctor
And thank you for the white bike
I found on the ground
I’ll use it for nights
Just your undying love
And the promise that the snarl is for me
I’m in my room
you said you could handle it
This user hasn’t shared any biographical information
- Google or is it word press and I’m being rude?
Who the fuck is Google or word press to say I haven’t shared ANY biographical info?
Who are the people commenting on personal biographical poetry in different languages under made up names?
Where are these user’s shared biographical information?
Who is you or him?
Who is it you or him?
Who is it me or you?
Who is me or you?
What is me and you?
What about time?
What about pressure?
What about the weather?
Do you want to kill it?
artlocal 21 represents a local of a larger union, that being the larger art community in Toronto, Queen Street boasting the most galleries in North America in a concentrated area. We like the idea of Dundas West too as a gallery district perhaps a cultural hub, Brockton…This idea of an art union is a bit of a communist concept where no one really profits on the backs of others, it is horizontal and lateral, everyone having something of value to offer, no one more important than the other in that of course everyone including children ride on their parents backs from time to time and have to make a living. artlocal happenings in our very neighbourhoods, the mothers and fathers of the community, the neighbour hood artist, art is a way of life. Being a parent; It is important to be a parent in an artistic way and living in an economically and culturally diverse community is important for learning and growth and most importantly support the families especially in a downtown core. The drop-in centre’s are like free families for isolated urban mothers and fathers, grandparents and children. The community centre for all, the Centre for Mental Health and Addiction, for all, the Coffee Shop, the Music Shop, the Pet Shop for all. This is a drop in art space for isolated urban artists. artlocal like rick ferrari is also a bit of an alter ego for the sensitive artiste in a multi-cultural country where language and communication is challenging for everyone, artlocal kicks in to try and protect. artlocal is also a place where art can be bought and sold. national history. writing about local life. street name artlocal. number 21.
I didn’t think that I would be here again
This time I don’t want to make the same mistakes
What are the mistakes?
What is the fantasy?
Strengthen the core
No one knows the future
Not even I
It’s too far away to go at night
I will never paint
I will never write
I have to live there
I have no fucking room
All the space I could possibly have
But I still have no fucking room
No more plastic bags per se
Or hard plastic stay
Now we use milk bags
Already in use bags
So that’s it?
Great amazing structures of colonialism
Or is it Nationalism?
Of take over
Of combinations of colonizers and the colonized
It will never last forever
Where are you?
Are you in the car?
Are you in the house?
The living room?
The dining room used for laundry?
It’s mine not yours
Yours or mine?
Where are you?
I can’t find you
Impressed by the cities ability to deal with the strike
The garbage could be much worse
Unions, CUPE, now hated
Always a problem
No tourism….so selfish
I fucking hate CUPE
But trying not to hate in general
I do think like this and so I must be like this. I can’t pretend but I can’t mix it in either, it’s just the way it goes, no mixing in this reality and then what about hormones and feeling life has no meaning and then meeting someone who’s love turns you on again is this right?
What do you do with this then? You walk around turned on and hope you don’t get attacked in a dark alley, you can’t be out at night all turned on and ovulating sending out the pheromones or what have you or is this just purely physical? A woman in heat. And does this mean it should mean less? Or maybe more because now that I think about it I really don’t feel this way very often or just once before really at the same age of my first daughter.
Was I looking for you? No, I just found you. When you decided we can’t have any more and I clearly cannot stop but agree we should not have more. This is what we have done; this is where we are going. I cannot hurt you now and I cannot be the older one who doesn’t recognize where things are going and blindly live in the 50’s, I cannot be her/e.
This angle doesn’t work for me it never has
So every time we have to adjust and remember that it never works for me
But you never do, you never remember, this may be a guy thing in which case I am so disheartened you can’t possible imagine because I love men but if you are all like this I am going to have some serious problems and then again maybe not so many because I will stay with the one I have and appreciate him because he is a keeper and what more could I want from a man who I was married too.
Maybe this marriage thing is the problem, my grandfather told me if you aren’t married then as a woman you aren’t protected, he is 95 and I think common law is pretty good now a days but what if you don’t even live with them that could be better for now anyway. ..I don’t know they say if you aren’t married it’s not for real, it won’t last but I know some who never were and they are fine.
I think I put too much into the dress and rings and all of this security means something but if from inside you don’t have it then it doesn’t matter or is this just marriage or years of being with someone in the same space it just happens, with kids it’s too hard for everyone or the loss we have had.
Is this what I will be searching about forever? I am sorry for that and I will have to remind you of the angle every time.
I only exist in this space
I didn’t think I would be here again,
Shhh shhh shhh
My girlfriend lives up the street
I’m sorry I yelled “HEY!” while you were beautiful
I just couldn’t stand there quietly in your beauty
I was going to say something but
I wasn’t being me
I still see you sweeping in black surrounded by wood and old music
I must have seemed like a horrible force
One day maybe I can say to you in a soft sweet voice
“Baby, don’t clean it like that” like a kiss
I have already destroyed what I have
I feel for sure I can’t go back
All is lost
Nothing good can come of anything
This must be true
I am trapped with feet and hands and now going down this road
Are you good?
I can’t write this right now the kids just came down
Will They Always Hate Me
Will they always hate me and think it was me because I am the one who yells and you remain quietly passive the victim or the saviour and I the crazy European Jew who yells and gets no reaction from you is this better? If you weren’t a Jew, were a Jew or are you in your genes but not culturally/socially or is this genetic too so that is different would I then be the cold one that is my fear. Why do I never do the same? Why always the opposite way of communicating? Why do I never remember? If you yelled too maybe we would have had a problem. Now I know how to tone it down and you to not be so cold but is it too late, has the damage been done, will you be better off starting again too? Do we continue on? She said. I have parents that get along and turned our relationship into fantasy already and we are together that can’t be right. Some change is good, that word has taken on new meaning but the meaning is not always clear, and sometimes you have to make the change before you know. This is the problem now.
In my closet
I have a shirt that I keep in case the owner comes back for it
I gave away the jean shirt with the white pearly buttons
It’s actually a hooded sweater and a down vest
Will it fit you?
And the sleeves are there for cold weather writing
Organic or is it passive?
I always thought organic
Was the only way
Tea, only tea,
In the afternoon
Are you with me?
When you take the empty cup away
My self goes with it
Throw it into you
Thrown into you
It hurts your feelings
You throw my equilibrium off
When you talk like that
I ask you
Are we never supposed to be honest?
I fucking hate you
I fucking hate you
And the way you speak
And your facade
And your weakness
And your strength
The thought of having sex with you makes me sick
Your little words of wisdom and encouragement too
I hate them all
In this moment
But maybe not the next
Leaves in the park
The darkness and the light
Wet smell of green grass
Over hanging trees
Every one of them
A mother darting
Living it out on empty
Pounding through the grass
In the fading light
When you talk to me like that
When you talk to me like that
My equilibrium goes off
The fluid in my head shifts
And I feel like I will spin
All the way down
Rainy Sunday afternoon
I just want to play with you
I can’t reach you here
Maybe for a moment or two
But I need longer than that
To check out your cat
You are so beautiful
I just want to touch you
Can you feel me here?
Are you going in today?
Is your baby
Caught in the rain
I have been angry for so long
Now I know why you never answer me
You don’t know the language
And I don’t know I’m speaking
I walk in
All I have to do
And it hurts my eyes
My body ach-ing
I can’t stop hear-ing you
The sidewalks are full of strangers
Will you take me as I am?
Picturing you there
We could be man and wife
In that space
I hear you
What you are saying
And the yellow wallpaper too
I need your love
Fire and rain
I will try to figure this out another way
This is true
Honest and blue
I have to be here
Don’t worry about me
I love still love
You can follow me
If any one knows the balance of this
It will be me
It will be me
Snowy day UK
I only wanted to cuddle
sorry if you thought I wanted to have sex
Yes I was ovulating
and the tackle was attractive as are you always
but didn’t you catch the play acting?
Now you are a man of morals
I would never have sex with someone else, not even you, being married
I would also rather die than live that kind of British male lie
you don’t know the half of it do you JI
A facade and deception and indiscretion
soul destroying now you are annoying
Love and (be) longing like Maslow’s triangle. Love and longing more poetic but still you can’t carry your love and longing, love and belonging, love and belongings with you all the time when you leave the house, when you are homeless without him or you would never survive and you cannot leave your love and longing, your love and belongings behind you or you would never survive
You cannot carry your love and longing around with you or you won’t survive
And if you leave your love and longing behind what is the point of surviving
I cursed her one time then wrote on her head
You are home
You can build what you are building
Keep what you have already built
Where has the yuppie gone?
Not that I’m complaining.”
We have come full circle
Is it Neo Modern?
A break with the past as at the last turn
Neo Arts and Crafts
Use your hands but it costs so much
Or a combo of the two
Creating something new
You were so surprised
When I put on make up
Did you think I wasn’t a woman before?
I still AM
Thanks for the reminder
But it’s nothing new to me
Just briefly forgotten and new
I really do
Must make its own city
And this is you
“I have a city
In my mind”,
He said escaping
The Croatian War
Killer whales depress me
So does going back to bed
Don’t cross anything
I need my guitar to be at home
How are we supposed to play?
How is this supposed to work?
And feeling better
The bad taste is on its way
Sunday Dec 6th
A heavy day
Remembering the shootings someone accused my father of
The poetry reading
Can’t really claim it for my own
Nor the music
Nor the coffee shop
Although all three are helping
I am outside
With a bad taste in my mouth
On January 17th, 2010
How is this supposed to work?
How are we supposed to play?
Artlocal 21 Presents a night of Poetry Readings » Artlocal 21 Presents a night of Poetry Readings
This entry was posted on Sunday, June 21st, 2009 and is filed under Poems. You can follow any responses The poets were talented and charismatic as was the audience, the department gallery with it’s dark orange curtains, black leather sofa and ottoman, lights and eclectic mix of wood and plastic coloured chairs, one black, I never did see who sat there. The benches and the back patio a perfect place to meet for a drink in between the taster, thanks MC, and the rest of the warm summer evening. The artwork colours mentioned throughout, the Canadian mixture of insects, the wilderness, waiting and watching, a loss of innocence, until the next one…
How is this suppose to work?
How are we suppose to play?
A.F.Moritz, archive, artlocal21, artlocal21 Presents a night of poetry readings, Brandon Cronenberg, cached, Carolyn Zeifman, Cassandra Cronenberg, Found, Griffin Award, Jim Johnstone, Johanna Reynolds, Melanie Janisse, Poems, Poetry, Sam Cheuk, Sandy Pool, Sook Yin Lee and Adam, The Department Gallery, The White Squirrel, writer, Zachary Kellum, Zoots
Tag CloudA.F.Moritz Abstract Art Alan Rankle artlocal21 Canadian Art Carl Jung Caroline Waterlow Carolyn Zeifman Cassandra Cronenberg Cassandra Cronenberg Hunter Colleen Hixenbaugh David Cronenberg Eric Woodley Facebook film Freeverse Griffin Award Hospital Jim Johnstone London Marc Di Saverio Margaret Hindson Melanie Janisse Mt. Sinai New York Painting Paris Poetry Ron Sexsmith Sabina Spielrein Sam Cheuk Sandy Pool Sigmund Freud Stream of Consciousness Susan Harris The Department Gallery The White Squirrel Three Day Treatment Program Toronto UK Viggo Mortensen Wavelength Wendy Schor-Haim writer Zoots