Posts Tagged artlocal21



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Found poems cached

Archive for category Poems


Posted by admin in Poems on February 13th, 2010

Then count the glasses, the blinds, the dots on the wall, count them, count them afterward, always afterwards, always after words…was it always like this or was it like this then and then for some reason now because of her age, now go.

Rock’n roll

This album is in my car

The hounds of hell,

There is no help for you here girl go away, there is no home for you here, there is no help for you here girl go away, there is no home for you here, that’s right,

I don’t know what to do with myself

Come to me again in the cold, cold night

I’ll just lie in my bed anxiously waiting until you go home

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Posted by admin in Poems on February 9th, 2010

This story is what I think of when I think of you.

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Seven: Written in the summer

Posted by admin in Poems on February 9th, 2010

“Rag mama rag this is the band, this is where it is remember shit can you remember this that time we had that don’t worry about that where did they go that is true where did they go now here there here there it can’t be like that where are they, where were they, that’s the wine on the wall this is where I was this is where I was ok this is where I was. Do you hear me? Know this is where I was. The wine and how do I stay out of that? Is that the character? This is the character, the addict, there is one old and young this is ok, there we go that’s fine there why you don’t want that character her e you don’t want that character here is that right ok.”

“That’s it.”

“Where did I go? Is that who you mean?”

“Be careful.”

“Thank you A.”

“Must be careful this is where the need comes from, the need, people knowing where is it going, this is where I was and this can’t go there, this was me calling J and this was me calling my d for lunch, this is lunch. This is lunch!”

“Start again, you here, start again.”

“Never should have taken the very best.”

“This is the table I miss.”

“What are you doing? How are you doing? How’s it going?”

“How’s it going? Pretty good how about you? Hi how are you?” pretty well

“How’s it going, Hi how are you, how is it going? Hi how are you? How’s it going? This is me, this is good I bow down to you to say I would like something from you I would like something from you say I would like things to be like this I have to get this off of my computer to get this going I have to get this going from off of my computer this is how it is going this is how it is going this is how it is going this is how it is going. I left and he took charge he took over I left and he took over this is what needs to happen I left and he took over. This went up too high, went up too high, this went up too high. Keep it lower must keep it lower, the flies ,the heat, the store, the Asian way, the way Dao is the way, the way there are many paths, these are the ways, this has to be clean like a meditation, clean like a meditation, we must ask to go into each other’s room, we have to ask to go into each other’s rooms, this is the way it will be then to ask to go into each other’s rooms we can do that, we have to ask to do that, I think this must be the way to do it, this must be the way to do it, this must be the way to do it. To ask to be grateful to go into what I have to do, this must be written down as it has been written down; this must be written down as it is written down. To combine all three to combine the three to ask before to ask before this will be written down to ask before.

Ok it is important to ask. I’ll ask next time this must be the thing to do to ask next time to ask next time. Please be for me and not for her why did I bring her there to help her to help her but I would like it if she would be there for me. This cannot be ok this whole thing what is going on must be careful and to ask if this is ok to ask the universe to ask to hear you wouldn’t believe what I have heard.

This is ok now be healthy this is who I must see maybe this is who I must see but I have to be careful this I must be careful about this it must be something to be careful about this I must be careful about. They are all crying and it’s very hard to write while they are all crying, they are all crying but I can’t help. I am here at least, I am in the garage and close to them.

Nest time nest time ovulation ok nest time I can keep going, I don’t have to do this I don’t have to I can’t find this anyway I probably can’t find this anyway. Maybe we should go together we should go see someone together we need to see a therapist together I guess we do we should I mean we should see two together. This is what I have this is what I have this is what I have this is what I have.

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Existential Crisis #4 or is that A Creative Crisis or is that creative illness or is that separation anxiety or is that self analysis or is that love found and lost, then web of loss, or is that a cocoon??

Posted by admin in Poems on February 9th, 2010

Oh haven’t I documented the last three?

1: I should preface this with, I had just moved off of college street after living above coco lezzone for almost three years and was wanting to leave the film industry and get married and have children, so this was after getting engaged and my fiancee moving into my new apartment on Bartlett with me from London, while still living in the apartment on Bartlett above Bloor after living with my roommate on college stand before getting married: Crisis

Result of crisis: Left film, started therapy and my second BA in psychology at York which I completed in 2002, two years with distinction and volunteering at the distress centre and in Kanauague Quebec, I never spell it right, as well, my first degree being Honours East Asian Studies McGill 91-95

2: After getting married and buying a house:Crisis

Result of crisis: Finished writing Persephone which I started in the apt on college street written originally for the Anvil Three Day Novel Writing contest, my roommate won, I edited his book, also took writing workshops with author Cary Fagan, and journalism courses at Ryerson and wrote for Eye weekly

3:After kid number one was 18months:Crisis

Result of crisis: wrote 56 poems, read them at the art bar and was told they were more like songs,  was already taking guitar lessons at central tech and in my instructors basement on Palmerston, singing from scratch at the royal conservatory a total trip, then pottery on Harbord, working on film Solace, painting lessons from my neighbours sister in her garden, then into U of T course 20th century abstraction

4:After kid number two was 18 months and my first kid went into grade one, huge separation:Crisis

Result of crisis be it existential or creative: Painting in a studio above The Department Gallery on Dundas West and, Writing, for six months, some group shows, also started poems on this blog, u of t modern architecture course and other prose, I suppose, and in the future like not this year because my kids too young, taking a Humber course on Creative Book Publishing and hopefully getting into the the writing schools correspondence course to write a novel from May to Nov will find out in a few days if Down the Street was accepted, the writer’s circle sounds cool too…

Dorthy Parker picking the word Horticulture out of a hat at one of the writers circles and having to use it in a sentence said:

You can lead a whore to culture but you can’t make her drink.”


If this is not enough shared biographical information for Word press and Google I also worked in film as an assistant director for 10 years and traveled, in no particular order, through Italy, and France, drove and camped through Cape Breton, PEI and Nova Scotia, Scotland, Drove all around Ireland and Northern Ireland to see the Baymoore stone circles just before the Omah bombing of the shopping mall by the IRA, lived in Montreal and edited Vice Magazine, Denmark, Germany, France, Switzerland, UK, camped on the Isle of White, and travelled for three months in China, Mongolia, Myanmar, camped on the beach in Jamaica and saw Jimmy Cliff and Ziggy Marley live, Dominican Republic, California(like 40 times and all kinds of crazy shit) , New York many times for new years and friends and fun, Israel for a friends wedding SO GLAD I WENT just after my fiance moved to T.O left him in our cockroach infested apartment and went for two weeks with friend, Jordan, London, Paris, The Japanese airport many times, Copenhagen, Brugge (piece of my heart there too) Germany did I say Germany already, Munich for a day couldn’t handle the English German accent but went to the Oktoberfest bar anyway “ein beer bitta”,  Berlin, the wall had just come down, walked around east Berlin and the zoo listening to Graceland on my yellow walkman, very surreal, went to Dacau, Amsterdam, bridges and canals and the redlight, ate space cake, went to Anne Franks attic, I have the same birthday as she did and Andy Taylor from Duran Duran or was it her sister…Budapest, Czechoslovakia (a piece of my heart is in Prague with Boris and Dorian who couldn’t go home to Croatia because of the war, and Greece), Santarini with the black sand almost stayed there and worked in a cafe and slept on the floor and rooves for that matter and beaches of course, Edinburgh many times once, the first time, for the film festival with my family drove around in shamu singing all the way, also Sundance that same summer, Drove from Caledon through Texas to Mexico, as well as from San diego to Tijuana, as well as club med Ixtapa, Atlanta, Louisiana, Memphis Graceland, Drove from T.O to Taos New Mexico reading The First Third and wrote with friends, Cuba etc…and was born and raised in Toronto and I’m Lithuanian,  (fuck not Lutheran) but know nothing about that at all, maybe German, maybe Dutch  Jew, Irish, English, maybe Dutch, French, Protestant, (ouch) Canadian Aquarian water rat with Polish, Ukrainian, (Russian), (Israeli) American and Native Canadian sensibilities in some form or another, would like to go to where Pilvishik Lithuania used to be someday to see where my grandparents were from on one side, would love to go to Poland and Russia too, have been to England and Ireland and seen the stone circles and kilns and castles and rolling green moores and landscape unlike any other

Still in therapy, personally and couples  -  try anything you can ie acupuncture, chiropractor, yoga but not right now, massage but not any more, working out,  now going to get into winter jogging, and swimming, trying out the new tabs, alittle p.o.t etc…a drink now and again and good healthy food, I want to be a vegetarian again, I want to learn Reiki, and of course coffee and music, cigarettes only on a rare night out and maybe a dog at some point like a German Shepard or a husky, lab mix or something crazy like that, I love a Doberman but you have to be careful around the kids…and of course spending time in the schools and at home with the kids and helping out where I can without being too annoying…and figuring out how to help people who don’t have these things in a crisis

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Thank you

Posted by admin in Poems on February 7th, 2010

for biking beside me

on my way to pick up my daughter

and take her to the doctor

And thank you for the white bike

I found on the ground

I’ll use it for nights


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Can I get you anything else?

Posted by admin in Poems on February 7th, 2010

Just your undying love

And the promise that the snarl is for me

I’m  in my room

you said you could handle it

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This user hasn’t shared

Posted by admin in Poems on February 6th, 2010

This user hasn’t shared any biographical information

- Google or is it word press and I’m being rude?

Who the fuck is Google or word press to say I haven’t shared ANY biographical info?

Who are the people commenting on personal biographical poetry in different languages under made up names?

Where are these user’s shared biographical information?

- Anonymous

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Who? What?

Posted by admin in Poems on February 6th, 2010

Who is you or him?

Who is it you or him?

Who is it me or you?

Who is me or you?

What is me and you?

What about time?

What about pressure?

What about the weather?

Do you want to kill it?

Will it

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Posted by admin in Poems on February 2nd, 2010

artlocal 21 represents a local of a larger union, that being the larger art community in Toronto, Queen Street boasting the most galleries in North America in a concentrated area. We like the idea of Dundas West too as a gallery district perhaps a cultural hub, Brockton…This idea of an art union is a bit of a communist concept where no one really profits on the backs of others, it is horizontal and lateral, everyone having something of value to offer, no one more important than the other in that of course everyone including children ride on their parents backs from time to time and have to make a living. artlocal happenings in our very neighbourhoods, the mothers and fathers of the community, the neighbour hood artist, art is a way of life. Being a parent; It is important to be a parent in an artistic way and living in an economically and culturally diverse community is important for learning and growth and most importantly support the families especially in a downtown core. The drop-in centre’s are like free families for isolated urban mothers and fathers, grandparents and children. The community centre for all, the Centre for Mental Health and Addiction, for all, the Coffee Shop, the Music Shop, the Pet Shop for all. This is a drop in art space for isolated urban artists. artlocal like rick ferrari is also a bit of an alter ego for the sensitive artiste in a multi-cultural country where language and communication is challenging for everyone, artlocal kicks in to try and protect. artlocal is also a place where art can be bought and sold. national history. writing about local life.  street name artlocal.  number 21.

Full Circle

I didn’t think that I would be here again

This time I don’t want to make the same mistakes

Consume, consume

What are the mistakes?

What is the fantasy?

Strengthen the core

No one knows the future

Not even I


Not always

It’s too far away to go at night

I will never paint

I will never write

I have to live there

I have no fucking room

All the space I could possibly have

But I still have no fucking room


No more plastic bags per se

Must pay

Only cloth

Or hard plastic stay

Now we use milk bags

Bread bags

Already in use bags











So that’s it?

Great amazing structures of colonialism

Or is it Nationalism?


Of take over

Of combinations of colonizers and the colonized

Cultural appropriation

Greek Revival

It will never last forever


Where are you?

Are you in the car?

Are you in the house?

The living room?

The dining room used for laundry?

The kitchen?

The bathroom?

The bedroom?

It’s mine not yours

The office?

Yours or mine?

Where are you?

I can’t find you


At all

Impressed by the cities ability to deal with the strike

The garbage could be much worse

Unions, CUPE, now hated

Always a problem

No jobs


No childcare

No work

No tourism….so selfish

I fucking hate CUPE

But trying not to hate in general

I cannot

I do think like this and so I must be like this. I can’t pretend but I can’t mix it in either, it’s just the way it goes, no mixing in this reality and then what about hormones and feeling life has no meaning and then meeting someone who’s love turns you on again is this right?

What do you do with this then? You walk around turned on and hope you don’t get attacked in a dark alley, you can’t be out at night all turned on and ovulating sending out the pheromones or what have you or is this just purely physical? A woman in heat. And does this mean it should mean less? Or maybe more because now that I think about it I really don’t feel this way very often or just once before really at the same age of my first daughter.

Was I looking for you? No, I just found you. When you decided we can’t have any more and I clearly cannot stop but agree we should not have more. This is what we have done; this is where we are going. I cannot hurt you now and I cannot be the older one who doesn’t recognize where things are going and blindly live in the 50’s, I cannot be her/e.


This angle doesn’t work for me it never has

So every time we have to adjust and remember that it never works for me

But you never do, you never remember, this may be a guy thing in which case I am so disheartened you can’t possible imagine because I love men but if you are all like this I am going to have some serious problems and then again maybe not so many because I will stay with the one I have and appreciate him because he is a keeper and what more could I want from a man who I was married too.

Maybe this marriage thing is the problem, my grandfather told me if you aren’t married then as a woman you aren’t protected, he is 95 and I think common law is pretty good now a days but what if you don’t even live with them that could be better for now anyway. ..I don’t know they say if you aren’t married it’s not for real, it won’t last but I know some who never were and they are fine.

I think I put too much into the dress and rings and all of this security means something but if from inside you don’t have it then it doesn’t matter or is this just marriage or years of being with someone in the same space it just happens, with kids it’s too hard for everyone or the loss we have had.

Is this what I will be searching about forever? I am sorry for that and I will have to remind you of the angle every time.

I only exist in this space

I didn’t think I would be here again,

Only tea,

Only tea,

Shhh shhh shhh

Sleep baby


My girlfriend lives up the street

I’m sorry I yelled “HEY!” while you were beautiful

I just couldn’t stand there quietly in your beauty

I was going to say something but

I wasn’t being me

I still see you sweeping in black surrounded by wood and old music

I must have seemed like a horrible force

One day maybe I can say to you in a soft sweet voice

“Baby, don’t clean it like that” like a kiss

I have already destroyed what I have

I feel for sure I can’t go back

All is lost

Nothing good can come of anything

This must be true

I am trapped with feet and hands and now going down this road



Are you good?

I can’t write this right now the kids just came down

Will They Always Hate Me

Will they always hate me and think it was me because I am the one who yells and you remain quietly passive the victim or the saviour and I the crazy European Jew who yells and gets no reaction from you is this better? If you weren’t a Jew, were a Jew or are you in your genes but not culturally/socially or is this genetic too so that is different would I then be the cold one that is my fear. Why do I never do the same? Why always the opposite way of communicating? Why do I never remember? If you yelled too maybe we would have had a problem. Now I know how to tone it down and you to not be so cold but is it too late, has the damage been done, will you be better off starting again too? Do we continue on? She said. I have parents that get along and turned our relationship into fantasy already and we are together that can’t be right. Some change is good, that word has taken on new meaning but the meaning is not always clear, and sometimes you have to make the change before you know. This is the problem now.

In my closet

I have a shirt that I keep in case the owner comes back for it

I gave away the jean shirt with the white pearly buttons

It’s actually a hooded sweater and a down vest

Will it fit you?

And the sleeves are there for cold weather writing

Some day

Organic or is it passive?

I always thought organic

Was the only way

To play

But now

I see

It is


In passivity

Tea, only tea,

In the afternoon

And evening

Are you with me?

When you take the empty cup away

My self goes with it

Throw it into you

Thrown into you

You say

You say

It hurts your feelings


I say

You throw my equilibrium off

When you talk like that

I ask you

Are we never supposed to be honest?

You say


I fucking hate you

I fucking hate you

And the way you speak

And eat

And smell

And taste

And your facade

And your weakness

And your strength

The thought of having sex with you makes me sick

Your little words of wisdom and encouragement too

I hate them all

In this moment

But maybe not the next


Leaves in the park

The darkness and the light



Wet smell of green grass

Over hanging trees

A dog

A man

A woman

Every one of them


A father

A daughter

A mother darting

Living it out on empty

Breathing heavy

Pounding through the grass

Off roading

In the fading light

When you talk to me like that

When you talk to me like that

My equilibrium goes off

The fluid in my head shifts

And I feel like I will spin

All the way down

Rainy Sunday afternoon

I just want to play with you

I can’t reach you here

Maybe for a moment or two

But I need longer than that

To check out your cat

You are so beautiful

I just want to touch you

Can you feel me here?

Are you going in today?

Just stay

Just stay

Crazy Weather

Is your baby

Caught in the rain

I have been angry for so long

Not understanding

Now I know why you never answer me

You don’t know the language

And I don’t know I’m speaking

Until now

I walk in

And see

All I have to do

Right there

And it hurts my eyes

My body ach-ing


I can’t stop hear-ing you

The sidewalks are full of strangers

Will you take me as I am?

Picturing you there

We could be man and wife

In that space

I hear you

What you are saying

Is true

And the yellow wallpaper too

I need your love

Your love


Your love


That love

Fire and rain


I will try to figure this out another way

This is true

Honest and blue

I have to be here

Don’t worry about me

I love still love

You can follow me

If any one knows the balance of this

It will be me

It will be me

Snowy day UK
I only wanted to cuddle
sorry if you thought I wanted to have sex

Yes I was ovulating
and the tackle was attractive as are you always
but didn’t you catch the play acting?
Now you are a man of morals

I would never have sex with someone else, not even you, being married
I would also rather die than live that kind of British male lie
you don’t know the half of it do you JI
A facade and deception and indiscretion
soul destroying now you are annoying


Love and (be) longing like Maslow’s triangle. Love and longing more poetic but still you can’t carry your love and longing, love and belonging, love and belongings with you all the time when you leave the house, when you are homeless without him or you would never survive and you cannot leave your love and longing, your love and belongings behind you or you would never survive

How long?

You cannot carry your love and longing around with you or you won’t survive

And if you leave your love and longing behind what is the point of surviving

I cursed her one time then wrote on her head

You are home

You can build what you are building


Keep what you have already built


Where has the yuppie gone?

Not that I’m complaining.”


We have come full circle

Is it Neo Modern?

A break with the past as at the last turn


Neo Arts and Crafts

Use your hands but it costs so much

Still desirable

Or a combo of the two

Creating something new


You were so surprised

When I put on make up

Did you think I wasn’t a woman before?

I still AM

Thanks for the reminder

But it’s nothing new to me

Just briefly forgotten and new

I hate

I really do

Every generation

Must make its own city

And this is you

“I have a city

In my mind”,

He said escaping

The Croatian War

Killer whales depress me

So does going back to bed

Thank you

Pilates mostly


Thank you





Don’t cross anything

Just bracket

I need my guitar to be at home

How are we supposed to play?

How is this supposed to work?


Yes way

No way

Uh huh

Nuh uh

Now Inside

And feeling better

The bad taste is on its way


Sunday Dec 6th

A heavy day

Remembering the shootings someone accused my father of

The poetry reading

Can’t really claim it for my own

Nor the music

Nor the coffee shop

Although all three are helping

I am outside

With a bad taste in my mouth

On January 17th, 2010

How is this supposed to work?

How are we supposed to play?



Artlocal 21 Presents a night of Poetry Readings » Artlocal 21 Presents a night of Poetry Readings

This entry was posted on Sunday, June 21st, 2009 and is filed under Poems. You can follow any responses The poets were talented and charismatic as was the audience, the department gallery with it’s dark orange curtains, black leather sofa and ottoman, lights and eclectic mix of wood and plastic coloured chairs, one black, I never did see who sat there. The benches and the back patio a perfect place to meet for a drink in between the taster, thanks MC, and the rest of the warm summer evening. The artwork colours mentioned throughout, the Canadian mixture of insects, the wilderness, waiting and watching, a loss of innocence, until the next one…

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Posted by admin in Poems on January 17th, 2010

How is this suppose to work?

How are we suppose to play?


Yes way

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Forgive me

I lost Elephant

And Seven

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Video, Art, Sexuality, Dreams and Viewing the Subconscious

Art Project: Longer Version and link to bigger youtube/facebookmix aka ART VIDEO

Posted by admin in Art Video, Art Writing on March 10th, 2010

There is an hour long version of just me at 16 and school friends and family…

These thumbnails are a drag

I had no idea that youtube had a male point of view

If you want to see the bigger facebookmix

Go to this link

1988, Abstract Art, Adam Russell Hunter, Art History, Art Project, Art Video, artlocal21, Canadian Art, David Cronenberg, Facebook, Michael Snow, mix, Toronto, unsyncopated, Video Art, You tube

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The Art of Non-Verbal Language

Posted by admin in Art Writing, Video Art on March 7th, 2010

<object width=”480″ height=”385″><param name=”movie” value=”″></param><param name=”allowFullScreen” value=”true”></param><param name=”allowscriptaccess” value=”always”></param><embed src=”″ type=”application/x-shockwave-flash” allowscriptaccess=”always” allowfullscreen=”true” width=”480″ height=”385″></embed></object>

1987, Abstract Art, Adam Russell Hunter, Art Project, artlocal21, Brandon Cronenberg, Catherine Porter, Cry Freedom, Dan Augustino, Daphne, David Cronenberg, Erica, Ghost Busters, grade 11 art project, Highschool, John Lennon, Josh, Lisa Mathews, Martha Corcoron, Massacre of the Innocence, Michael Snow, Noelle Man, North Toronto Collegiate Institute, Scott Baines, Silent Movies, Stephen Biko, Tanya, Tara Jung, The Art of Non-Verbal Language, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Video Art, You tube, Zak Cross

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Dreams, this one maybe ovulatory…

Posted by admin in Art Writing, Dream Poems on March 4th, 2010

You were working next door to the party I was leaving, wearing a tuque  and a balmer jacket and a red skirt with red heels, I guess like Johnny Depp in that movie with Javier Bardem, I remember taking note, you turned around from what may have been the outdoor arcade game, you had a beard and I said “oh do you work hear?” and you said “Yeah” and I said “oh good”.  I was happy and smiled with some perspective on my profile, usually it’s just from my eyes.

I was circling around you, you in a white t-shirt maybe without the beard I couldn’t tell, my hand was running along your stomach as I walked around you, like we were dancing. You were smiling too.

You in profile with the beard, you said “I want to fuck you.”

There was an apartment at some point and my mother was visiting.

Afterward there was the train ride with another older man, completely naked with tattoos, I wish I could remember the dialogue, a dark cabin that looked like a modern small sized bedroom traveling the mountain side at first there was a cage and then not, it wasn’t working very well but we were still ok what was said was something, something fast and then I was close up, an inch away, into the face of another perhaps or the same, eyes with cataracts and a sharp nose smile.

At least this time you weren’t wearing your Pokemon amulet around your neck, in that dream I couldn’t get it off.

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Reel Artists Film Festival at the Al Green Theatre presents Louise Bourgeois: The Spider, The Mistress and The Tangerine

Posted by admin in Art Writing on February 27th, 2010

This excellent film that brought the viewers, Carolyn Zeifman, Documentary Filmmaker and wife of Fimmaker David Cronenberg, and I, as well as a full theatre,  into Louis Bourgeois` world , was made in 2008 by Marion Cajori and Amei Wallach, and it ran 99 minutes.The Miles Nadal Jewish Community Centre Al Green Theatre is a fantastic theatre to see an art film. One of the makers was present for the  introduction, in a great pair of red shoes, and is very accomplished in her own right having written eight novels and two essays and managed to interview this very edgy tempermental sculptor, installation artist, genius who almost smashed a peice of pottery in her presence.

The opening of this film reminded me of the film Spider,  ironically since she is probably most famous for her giant metal spider sculptures, Care saw one at the Tate Modern, the music, the brick, the broken glass and then it became a documentrary.

Well I suppose the spider is her mother, the mistress is well her father`s mistress of course and the tangerine is a sculpture of her that her father would cut out at the dinner table of her without a penis.

This film is fantasitc as is this 98 year old artist. She is an inspiration. What a title.

Born in France in 1911 obvioulsy to rich bourgeois parents, abandonned by her mother, obsessed with the seamstress (the seamstress`s room where sex was learned about) the mistress, meant to be her governess, and her father. She went to art shcool in France and met her husband, Arthur Goldwater a primative art historian who took her to New York. They had three sons and she went to the roof top and began to scuplt. She had tried painting in France in a studio there with her contemporaries and in New York found her way to deal with her anger and rage and that was to sculpt.

She was an ignored artist for years, always going against the trend of the time and one of the only women artists in rooms full of men, Breton, Duchamp, Masson, ” who she was very close to but rejected violently perhaps because they were like her father”.

There was a resurgance of interest in Bourgeios’ work by feminists in the 1970`s. Specifically the Gorilla Girls say that although Bourgeios claims to be an artist before a femminist, “Louise is our icon none-the-less”.

Once her husband died, who she said was like her mother, her brain, and not her father, her heart, she found Jerry, a man much, much younger than her, the age of her sons and who looks like her sons, who was somehow like her governess, her fathers mistress, and also like her father and it released something in her so that she could do her best and happiest 25 years of work.

Her art is very sexual , very passionate and very angry at times, as is she. To see her in her pink faux fur coat and sequinned hat walking around her installation entitled “The Child’s bedroom” or was it “the red room” with mirrors and a bed and hands and lamps. (no question mark yet sorry) is a beautiful very French thing.

She could “ put out an amazing amount of psychic energy, unlike most people, but she could also be a psychic vampire if you let her, if you didn`t leave her, I called her my french mistress“ one of her curator`s and agent said. She would often have fits and smash her pottery. Better to “smash her sculpture“ then people, she said. She smashed one that took her 25 years to put together again. An Upright figure with utters coming out of it’s pelvis, maybe 8 facing upwards.

There is a great picture of her holding a giant penius that she sculpted. She continuously fondles and feels things as she speaks throughout the film. She is quite feminine and masculine.

She still lives in Brooklyn and has people over on Sundays to discuss art and life, I wouldn’t have minded a bit of her there or on the street but then at 98 she’s on the street in the studio with the film crew. An absolutely facinating woman with a direct connection to her unconscious, she ” is unconscious”.

Abstract Art, Al Green Theatre, Art History, Arthur Goldwater, artist, artlocal21, Breton, Carloyn Zeifman, Caroline Blakiston, David Cronenberg, Duchamp, femminist, film festival, Gorilla Girls, Ichiyo Nagata, Installation Art, Louise Bourgeois, Margaret Hindson, Masson, Miles Nadal JCC, New York, Paris, Potter, Pottery, Reel Artists Film Festival, sculptor, Sculpture, Tate Modern, The Mistress, The Spider, The Tangerine, Toronto, women artists

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Screening New Snow at The Power Plant

Posted by admin in Art Writing on February 27th, 2010

Walking in a few minutes late it felt like I was entering a futurist opera. Pitch black, thirty or so silouetted chairs and people  infront of the fuzzy purple screen, the opera blaring. The feeling was intense. This was his opening film, not more than 10 minutes, and I loved it. The old style stereo I know so well mixed with humourous still photos, when I say still I mean not a camera panning, of flowers and waves. I felt it was an ode to the experiment in panning from the 60`s and the moving waves might have been at the end of Wavelength had it been made today. This was shot at a cottage and the movement and the still flowers reminded me of a man and woman from the mans perspective. It was poignant because of this and the out of focus attempts to turn the dial filmed me with feelings and emotions thinking of my grandfather and father.

“Any Complaints“ Mr Snow asked, hands in his pockets sheepishly smiling at the end of the two films. The second one being Reverberlin.

This was an hour long filmed concert inpart o rin whole in Berlin, that is the question I would ask now, with Snow at the piano and one of his band members playing what sounded like a diggery do with his mouth only and the other member playing the saxophone. “We`ve played together for 20 years,“ Snow told the audience and it showed. The music was unsycopated Jazz and the film was quite distorted and unsyncopated (or not in sync) itself. However the music playing was always with the appropriate instrument.

It was difficult to be forced to watch the mouth of the diggerydo man in such close up. At times it seemed he was ejaculating, at times he seemed angry and it was at times frightening, his mouth and jagged teeth toughing the microphone, his head being distorted by the camera, pulling him apart.

The saxophone player was blurred with the background and the lights behind him, the effect was like a japanese painting perhaps and was beautiful to look at, at times.

Once the viewer accepted being in this world and mostly in the face of this white bearded diggery do man it was a fate one accepted but not without an uncomfortable fight. One`s life strangely flashing before one`s eyes, Anne Francis, writer, editor, television maker, pointed out.

Snow`s piano playing was impressive and his style very unique. I did miss the blurring of reality or more the close ups that disintegrated reality and the distorions for example the ones at the end of the concert, it did feel as if they were in a recording studio in the basment and in Snows house and then to see them stand up and take a bow on a stage was very interesting and their bodies digitized outwards from their stomachs, it made the viewer unsure as to weather or not that was a video mistake at first but then it became clear it was on purpose, just.

During the Q and A Snow mentioned something interesting about sound and video, that they were connected with video in a way they aren`t connected in film.

“Any complaints?“ Snow so charming asks.  (My question mark is working now, out of French mode I guess, do they not ask questions in France?) Yes Susan Harris, environmentally conscious fashion designer extrodinaire, it was cute and funny.

No Mr. Snow, you are a gentleman and that film was something no woman would make, however, we certainly learnt about men from the experience. And the subconscious interplay, male and female, within the audience had many levels to it that are still dawning on me, right Sue how about you?

Again how did he do it?

Grandma`s Nephew may be next...

The Michael Snow retrospective continues on at The Power Plant until March 7th.

Abstract Art, Anne Francis, artlocal21, Canadian Art, Michael Snow, Music, Music Video, Reverberlin, Susan Harris, The Power Plant, Toronto, unsyncopated, Video Art, Wavelength

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Wavelength screening with Michael Snow and Elizabeth Legge hosted by the Power Plant at the Drake Underground

Posted by admin in Art Writing on February 19th, 2010

My first time seeing this amazing experimental film from Michael Snow made in 1967 was last night at the Drake Underground hosted by the PowerPlant and Elizabeth Legge the scholar, Art Historian, Professor at University of Toronto and author, who wrote a beautiful book on this film, which I look forward to reading. The room was packed and it didn’t look like I would get a seat.

“I can’t see in the dark”, Eric Woodley said, film and theatre composer and art critic for Canandian Art, as he walked up to me standing on the stairs, which of course hit me with all of it’s meaning during the film when I was sitting in front about five feet away from the screen. An excellent venue for this and the opening film, 10 minutes, an experiment in panning. The stereo, the bed, the discussion, the woman on the phone, the the flash of her naked at the end…

Wavelength, 45 minutes, took me on a journey through to the open window. Professor Legge gave a very interesting inspiring brief lecture at the beginning comparing cinema to great works of literature and french theory and there was a lovely Q and A at the end on a lovely sofa…I had the need to focus on the open window as the camera, “this film is all hand made” Snow told the audience, zooms slowly from one corner into, well “I don’t want to give away the ending”, said Legge, but I will.

I found myself completely enthralled and had a very personal experience with this film and an epiphany at the very end. It was right in front of my eyes, the damage and that it’s for “dissemination and teaching” Legge said. “Not the graceful introduction and transition I was hoping for,” Katie Crisp, curator for the Power Plant,  said gracefully transitioning from the film to the Q and A. Just as the film jumps, the superimposed image, at the end to take you into the final image…

Filmaker David Cronenberg and Documentary Filmaker Carolyn Zeifman wanted to be there but they were dealing with a new situation with his new film in the works, one of many, about Freud and Jung and Sabina Spielrein, from the book given to him by me,  A Most Dangerous Method, and then the play he found The Talking Cure, and it is fascinating, which now has Viggo to play Freud which is very exciting. He saw Wavelengths‘ debut at the Issac Gallery and “remembers it as if it were yesterday.”

Micheal Snow lived on our street growing up as a child and my first and only 10minute video from high school entitled “The Art of Non-Verbal Language” was I see now an ode to him.

Two men move a piece of furniture into the room.

The zoom begins.

The focus on the open window.

A man and a woman walk into the room.

The woman closes the window, I for a moment was quite claustrophobic until the man put on strawberry fields and then and only then could I be somewhat incarcerated, and enjoy looking around, reminded of Foucault here, Madness and Civilization,  with the two people in the room and forget eventually about the window being closed, I did have to check it at one point and was nonchalantly pleased that there was a crack left open.

We can’t just live outside forever can we?

This film made me aware of the exploration available to us in film regarding architecture and distance and art and nature and the most interesting of all human nature.

The yellow chair Mr Snow painted, also a sculptor at that time, like many abstract art pieces were perhaps later coloured or around that time as well, was comforting until it became clear that the large wooden handsome desk chair was turned out, as well one can’t see in the bright. The white outs were comforting but not the faded white outs. The richness of colour was always welcoming and wanted, the turned out desk chair was worrying and reminded me of the Martin Kippenberger furniture exhibit based on Kafkas Amerika, that was on at the MOMA in May last year, the office furniture, and the large window panes with the old writing out the windows. I found myself at times wanting to read the writing, some 1950’s writing or even earlier I’m sure. I would have to see the film again and take note of where that was exactly.

This sense of the power dynamic is tied to the desk and chair and yellow chair, the one with out the power sits there but the larger chair is turned out which is kind of distressing. I hate a chair turned out empty from a desk, I always turn it back and that desk, I have one just like it in my very own middle room, and then the man with the beard comes in shot maybe and dies and maybe he had the power and you are sad he is going and finally he is gone and then you can focus on sitting in the yellow chair. I thought of my older daughter here and at the beginning and what you  might think about with out him there or without the power there. It hit me right at the base of my scull. And the sounds the drone also factory like in some ways and the buses and the workers but in the room it is art and a factory.

The woman in the fur coat comes in, who is gorgeous and also looks like a man and calls a man and says there is a man dead on the floor and he has to come and take care of it. And then her ghostly image replayed and she has passed too. You realize here how amazing a person is and what they can bring when it is a close up rather than every one so far away.

One does also deal with the closed window, the forced power dynamic and death, by looking at the pictures on the wall and trying to decipher what they are of. When it goes above the yellow chair and onward, I don’t want to spoil the ending…I thought it was a poorly done landscape painting for the longest time but it turns out its a beautiful photograph, and the two at the top like Hiroshima maybe…what was the other one?

The quality of print was excellent,Professor Legge mentioned on the sofa, the grainy pink shadows so beautiful. I thought of closeness and my youngest daughter and wanted to go there instead and fought until the superimposed jump into the water and I dove in…well was hit with it really but first, the waves did ” look like clouds”, as Dennis Reid, head of Canadian art at the AGO and professor of Canadian art at the University of Toronto, mentioned. I saw faces and animal shapes emerging and then the “epiphany”, that someone mentioned from the audience which hit the nail right on the head so to speak,  that is, foreground, then to the distance and then back and hit with the truth right in front of my face. “Everytime,” Professor Reid said when I turned to look at him. So now I have to see it again, it must be a different epiphany everytime right??

How did he do it?

A Most Dangerous Method, Aaron Woodley, Abstract Art, Adam Russell Hunter, AGO, Amy Cormier, Art History, artlocal21, Bertrand Russell, Brandon Cronenberg, British, Caitlin Cronenberg, Canadian Art, Carl Jung, Caroline Blakiston, Caroline Waterlow, Carolyn Zeifman, Colleen Hixenbaugh, Dance, David Cronenberg, Denise Cronenberg, Dennis Reid, Elizabeth Legge, Eric Woodley, Erin Parton, Experimental Film, Fashion, film, Food, Humber School for Writer’s, Jeffery Nesker, Jennifer Evans, Johanna Reynolds, Katherine Mulherin Gallery, Katie Crisp, Lisa Deanne Smith, Literature, Madness and Civilization, Martin Kippenberger, Melanie Janisse, Meredith Woodley, Michael Snow, Michel Foucault, MOMA, Music, Nancy Friedland, New York, OCAD, P.G. Tarr, Painting, Photography, Ron Sexsmith, Russell Hunter, Ryerson, Sabina Spielrein, script doctor, Sigmund Freud, Sreenplay, Stephen Bulgar Gallery, Stephen Zeifman, Stewart Jones, Susan Harris, Susan Sontag, Textiles, The Drake Underground, The Gladstone Hotel, The Power Plant, The Talking Cure, The White Squirrel, Toronto, U of T, Video Art, Viggo Mortensen, Vladimir Spicanovic, Wavelength, Wendy Schor-Haim, Zachary Kellum, Zoots

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When are you going to change if you are not going to change right now?

When are you going to change if you are not going to change right now?

This format doesn’t work for me anymore…

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Location AKA reeling LOCATION Aka reeling Screen play


Aka reeling



Aka reeling



Aka reeling


By Cassandra Cronenberghunter

First Draft

September 2007/2009


Racing along the windy road in his ALPHA ROMEO as he has done numerous times before a 30’s something, handsome, smooth skin, MAN with wavy brown hair drives with his brown leather driving gloves. He adjusts his RADAR DETECTOR, looks in the rearview mirror and says to the YOUNG, 7 year old GIRL with long blond hair to his right who is gripping the seat and is all but screaming with rollercoaster-like delight and fear:


We got a blip. They may be up ahead… it could be a garage door opener.

The man is taking the corners fast – green trees all around covering the sky.


Remember when I use to think the trees were filled with Draculas on this road? How did I say it again?





What was the other word I couldn’t pronounce?


Ambulance. You use to say Ambliance.

They look at each other and smile. The young girl grips the leather seat as the Man speeds up on the straight away. The camera comes out of the car and goes high up to see the alpha drive off the straight road around a corner and off into the distance.

SC 2 INT DAY Canadian Tire

The MAN and The YOUNG GIRL are in the car isle he looks at car parts and WD40 while she is on the ground looking in red bins with bronze, silver and gold BOLTS picking them up and trying them on her ring fingers holding her hands up for the MAN to see.


This one fits. Dad, can I get it?!

She says excitedly, holding her hand up with a BRONZE BOLT on her finger.


Sure honey.

He looks up holding the WD40 with emotion in his eyes and distraction on his face. Happy she has been entertained for so long by the bolts he goes back eagerly to looking at the parts he needs hanging on the walls.

C/U Hand with BRONZE BOLT on it and YOUNG GIRLS beaming face.

SC 3 INT DAY House Under Construction

YOUNG GIRL and the YOUNG WIFE (who looks like a teenage, all natural Sofia Lauren) sit on a brown cord sofa with bamboo piping the rest of the room is empty. Their hair is up in ponytails and they are giggling. The DAD comes into the room with a leather jacket and hair jelled back he is playing the FONZ. The girls laugh more as he checks them out and gives them the thumbs up they shout:


In unison:

Pick me! Pick Me!

The DAD walks over and picks the young girl and kisses her on the lips and twirls her around. Elvis is playing and he goes into his Ain’t Nothing but a Hound Dog routine. They all dance together in the empty room. The YOUNG WOMAN and the MAN make knowing, humorous, flirtatious, eye contact. (When he speaks she thinks he is talking to her – no kid should really be part of this romance esp from both parents…)


YOUNG GIRL and GRANDMA who is a real grandma with the grey bun and curl on her forehead – when she was good she was very, very good and when she was bad she was horrid. Costume jewelry and flowered moo-moo they sit on the piano bench and sing together the grand ol’duke of York. A grey cat the colour of her hair walks around them purring they are in the front room by the window.

SC 4 EXT DAY Brown School Playground

C/U Sign saying Film set of THE BREEDERS with an arrow towards the playground –another sweeping wide shot techno crane – young girl and dad there and a girl who looks like young girl but one year older. The YOUNG GIRL is jealous of this older girl – first of all she is older and secondly she is spending time with her dad. DAD talks to ACTOR YOUNG GIRL while YOUNG GIRL watches. Her playground and classroom are the set for this movie. Crane shot all wide overhead and around. We zoom down to follow the ACTOR DAD into the classroom the camera looks in the classroom window at the class as the ACTOR YOUNG GIRL plays at a grade one table staring ahead rather blankly as the ACTOR DAD talks to the teacher. We don’t hear the scene. We hear this one instead.


From the director’s chair in the playground by the cement hill he yells:


SC 5 INT CAR NIGHT Rosedale Valley Road

YOUNG GIRL and DAD are driving on the same road in the ALPHA ROMEO


Do you believe in God?




Why not?


When I was a boy I found a bird that a cat had brought to me. I put it in a box and fed it and cared for it. I said to myself if this bird lives then God exists if the bird dies then he doesn’t. The bird died.

C/U YOUNG GIRL her face not satisfied by the answer but says nothing. The Car drives on to the ZENCENTRE where they park and walk to the door…The MOTHER (red hair, attractive, bright but meaningless expression) answers we don’t hear what is said except for “See you next weekend”. The DAD goes back to his car face filled with rage and we follow the MOTHER and YOUNG GIRL into the kitchen of this rooming house. The girl kneels down beside a BOX we look in at the WOUNDED BIRD.

SC 6 INT NIGHT Editing Room

C/U Face of YOUNG GIRL sleeping then eyes open – it is dark – we hear the sounds of voices being played backwards, then forward, then backwards again. They are strangely soothing. Pull back to see the small room – she is sleeping under the table on a mat with a sleeping bag. At the table are the DAD and the EDITOR facing the machine manually winding and unwinding the film through metal reels. There are negatives hanging on a rack and metal film tin cans stacked in the corner. We see negatives on the cutting room floor. The scene we keep hearing and now see on the tiny screen above the winding film over and over again is from that day in the playground….

ACTOR DAD (Check scene maybe)

You need to contact me if you see her mother.


(Female, French, brown wavy hair, large necklace, peasant top and skirt, sandals)

Yes, of course we can do that.


The YOUNG GIRL and her DAD speed along the country road in the ALPHA ROMEO pulling a car trailer. They pass a sign for the Mosport Race Track. The sun is just coming up – MAGIC HOUR – They slow down to turn into the parking lot and pull up to the COUNTRY GIRL wearing a yellow vest, the DAD rolls down the window.


What division?



She hands some numbers and papers in through the window.


Do you have any pit crew?

She smiles at the YOUNG GIRL and hands in a BUTTON that says Pit Crew. The DAD hands it to the YOUNG GIRL she smiles. C/U BUTTON.


The DAD is standing outside the door of his VINTAGE RED 1960’S FERRARI, fire retardant suit hanging by his waist. He has the hood up and is intently looking at a valve, sunglasses down on his nose like a mad inventor. The camera pulls back to reveal the YOUNG GIRL kneeling by the tires testing their pressure – They are wearing matching MOSPORT BASEBALL CAPS. She is wearing Adidas short shorts. We see her whispering to the car wearing her button proudly. We hear something about “Fred the Red”. The smell of engine oil and suntan lotion hangs in the air. As we pull back we see VINTAGE RACE CARS filling the field, we hear the sounds of racing, engines revving – excitement and the occasional announcements of winners and races coming up sound over the loud speakers. PEOPLE EVERYWHERE with BURGERS and HOTDOGS, BASEBALL CAPS, LAWN CHAIRS, SOME TENTS, FAMILIES GROUPED AROUND VINTAGE CARS and TRAILERS. The camera continues craning back to see the track itself and the cars racing.


The YOUNG GIRL in the stands full of people so happy with a GREASY BURGER and a STOP WATCH. We see the RED FERRARI going around the track. A FRIEND of the DAD approaches her and sits down beside her.


I’m timing laps! I’m fine. That last lap was the fastest.

She says protective of her independence with her Dad and the responsibility he has given her.


O.K. O.K.

He says, exasperated, and sits a distance away. We see the YOUNG GIRL look around for him nervously.


MAGIC HOUR Trophy pick up. Overhead shot by the stands of the DAD getting his TROPHY. The YOUNG GIRL is proud and also tiered of waiting around for the pick up.


ALPHA ROMEO pulling the trailer driving home along the dirt road. It’s now NIGHT.


It was in that final corner that I lost a few seconds –  Next time I have to gear down into the corner and then accelerate out of it onto the straight away.


Dad you came in second and you beat your fastest lap!



The YOUNG GIRL nods her head and grips the seat as her DAD adjusts his radar detector and speeds off along the country road.


A room with soft mood lighting, a piano, brown and yellow sofas filled with people hanging out speaking French and snacking at the craft service table. We see the YOUNG GIRL lying on one of the sofas sleeping with her head in the lap of the YOUNG WIFE who we saw before the young Sofia Lauren in a French striped shirt with a boat neck. The camera floats around the room until an AD runs into the room yelling:


_____’s been in an accident! He crashed into the wall!

The YOUNG GIRL jumps up and runs to the door crying, the YOUNG WIFE moving as fast as she can – we now see she is 8 months pregnant They head into the night towards the FILM TRAILERS, of a low budget late 70’s film, looking for _____.



She runs blindly until she see’s him in a dark blue Eddie Bauer parka (it’s winter) blood pouring out of his nose. His daughter runs into his arms – he has to pick her up and hold ice to his nose to try to stop it from bleeding.

Are you O.K. Daddy?

(She says crying and snuggling into his shoulder.)

What happened?


I’m fine, I bumped my nose.

(He says in the most soothing voice he saves just for her – blood coming from his nose)

I’ll show you what happened.

He walks her over to the CAR that has crashed into a brick wall there are FILM CREW everywhere.

I was sitting in the passenger seat holding the camera, we were doing a test run and the car hit the wall. I smashed into the camera that hit the windshield.

We see the set up and the car in the wall. The YOUNG GIRL is calm and snuggles into her DAD. C/U BLOOD on his parka, the YOUNG GIRL tries to wipe it away.


SC9A, B, C etc 1980 Custody battle, KRAMER VS KRAMER zencentre – strawberry blinds in their zencentre room conversation with Dad where mother says she is taking girl to Cali, girl now more quiet, yelling from father? Don’t touch my stuff, scene with sophia “you married him you had a choice I didn’t” – in kitchen Sophia in house coat with coffee complaining about the DAD as usual. RENOVATION from old to 80’s – sc in court house with mother – takes girl around the corner freak out – also scene with judge? one of the apartment with squares on the wall one in mother’s boyfriends apartment cross legged on the floor interpreting her dream – so self absorbed but also single mother trying not to repeat her past. THE HAND OVER AT THE PARK – silent ESCAPISM 1980 – cults people leaving puritan past protestant going to California FEMINISM….a social phenomenon to get out of raising their kids…1980-84(Exhibiting signs of OCD – the argyle socks – find out what rape is at age 9 or 10 – hears on radio in Chrysler with cousin and step grandfather – asks dad that night while patting her head “what does rape mean?” She is so scared can’t sleep for nights every night thinks the next day she will be raped or killed and in the morning makes sure she has matching colours so if the rapist said I will rape you or kill you if you don’t have a colour on you that matches your shirt (purple) then she would show her argyle socks that have purple in them  – her room has pictures of rick springfield from teen beat etc pages ripped out of magazines and tapped to the wall – duran duran covering one entire wall above her desk – ikea 10’s furniture, large prints and colours yellow.

The cloth bags with duran duran buttons and rick of course.


YOUNG GIRL 12 years old finds out her grandma died her mother red hair short tells her to that he called for her she picks up phone and calls her back– only hears dads voice – can’t believe she isn’t home is not part of it has been sent to her moms never forgives them for this WHOS IDEA WAS IT – SO ANGRY just pictures dads lips surrounded in beige delivering news – SO ANGRY AT MOTHER AFTER WANTS TO GO BACK HOME – WHY IS SHE THERE SO FAR AWAY. She cries and her mother is so cold and she hates her, she loves her grandma and her dad. Only hears Sophia’s story of the funeral (which she was excluded from and never got to say good bye or morn with people who cared who were sad like her FUCKING ASSHOLES – SHE WAS TOTALLY BLOCKED BY SOPHIA AND COULDN’T MORN.) over and over about her sister crying, about her aunt who needed to hold her and sent Sophia with her dad to arrange things about the friend trying to nurse her and her freaking out – over and over and over again…YOUNG GIRL will never forgive them for this ever. MAYBE TWO SCENES WE SEE HERE


Sabina walks in and he is cleaning hand guns. He collects them.


They shoot 22’s skeet shooting at neighbour’s farm


The YOUNG GIRL is now a TEENAGE GIRL-14 YEARS OLD on march break goes to work with dad for three weeks, her hair is still blond but is short. She and her DAD are wearing parkas driving in silence. We only hear the sound of the engine. It is early morning winter stark, dark and cold outside of the car. She breaks the silence.


(Anxious and innocent)

I feel so badly that I forgot to think about Grandma on the day she died it was yesterday it’s the first time in three years that I haven’t done that I mean I did for two years and this is the third year it’s funny how things happen in threes like it’s yours and Sophia’s anniversary then five days later Grandma died then five days later it’s your birthday, isn’t that weird.


(Short with her, irritated)

What?!  You can stop that you don’t have to do that you know.



SC9D, E, F, G SCENE WITH long rat tail Ivan, with actor getting make up on, with dad and bringing him lunch and fight with secretary – he says I would have liked what you were going to bring me more, scene with famous comedian and showing him there noses – young Frankenstein.


We see the TEENAGE GIRL with sun-in highlights and swept over bangs, she is wearing lip gloss, Femo earrings and matching top and bottom from Fairweather – white cotton with geometric designs – she is walking up her driveway with her NEIGHBOUR (girl of the same age) eating ice cream. They are talking about boys and giggling. As they come up the drive we see the RED FERRARI in the garage, its front crumpled. The TEENAGE GIRL runs, drops her ice cream and runs inside.



The camera follows her as she runs all the way through the same house we saw before that was still old and under construction and now is totally white, minimalist and modern, very 80’s.


I’m upstairs!

We follow her in one shot up to the third floor into the master bedroom. Her Dad is standing in front of the TV playing his race where he crashed over and over again. She runs over and hugs him; she is worried but not crying. It was her first time not going racing with him. She didn’t think the boys at the track were cute enough and she wanted to hang out with her friends instead of waking up at 5am and spending all day and weekend at the track.


What happened?


(Still in a bit of shock)

Here look I’ll show you. See here I just hit some oil I think and instead of turning in and going with it I fought it and went right into the guard rail.

She leaves him standing there to watch it over and over again in silence.


It’s the TEENAGE GIRLS 16th birthday today. Her DAD has been working on a film called SIMILAR and is preoccupied and forgets it’s her birthday. Scene from 16 candles – her hair is red, short, brushed forward and she looks like Molly Ringwald.

He calls her and she goes to the bottom of the stairs expecting him to say happy birthday – instead:


Can you help Sophia downstairs with the kids please and see if a package arrived for me at the door and bring it up?


OK fine.

She walks away upset.


Oh and SABINA (still we never see him just a voice like Charlie from Charlie’s Angels)


Yes DAD (she goes back hopefully)


I’ll be working late tonight so make sure come home right after school.


OK. (Again no happy birthday)

Music from 16 candles plays – this scene mimics scene with grandparents a bit her reaction her 16 year old pout maybe a phone call to a friend to say she is living it…


Sabina walking to the door flowers being delivered for her – CU card – Happy Birthday, love DAD. Roses. All is forgiven.


She gets dressed for going to the set and her birthday dinner. Putting on the dress worn by the famous actress from the film _____ listening to music – Madonna material girl? Desperately Seeking Susan


Teenage girl is introduced to actor by her DAD (RESTURANT SET) American Psycho vibe.


(Clause von Trapp)

Happy Birthday sweet heart.

(He leans over and kisses her)

So you’re legal now




No it’s fourteen in Canada


(So embarrassed)

Daaaaadddd. It’s 16!

Horrified for two reasons, her Dad thinks the age of consent is fourteen and that they are even talking about that!


Dinner party with friend’s long Italian table she tells her best friend what the famous actor said of course – still American Psycho vibe.


SABINA AT TABLE WITH WHOLE CREW AND ACTOR FAMOUS NY ARTIST IN FRONT OF EVERY ONE ASKS HER IS SHE IS A VIRGIN – YES! She says blushing of course….but only for one more year don’t for get first love…

SC14AA California Escondido San Diego

Shoots 45’s with church people at targets.

Cali she fools around on quest haven (change name) property with older church guy who use to baby sit here on kids playground – his parents are first cousins…SURFERS – the beach party they make out…GRANT computer nerd who loves her they drive to movies and go for mexican – she is 16…She was boogie boarding at 8 with Mexican friend Rapheal…


Sabina comes home drunk and they talk about her night.

1986-1988 Looses virginity at 17.  And 18th birthday scene with same BOYFRIEND as before and CAKE in his basement apartment sitting cross legged on floor while there is a party for the DADs movie he acted in – still so 16 candles. Whole relationship with first love “bluing etc” RELATIONSHIP virginity and camping and drinking and reggae and rock n’ roll music and High School. Few Drugs more drinking – they had already burnt out and she hadn’t really started yet…

Break up


After high school Sabina travels alone in Europe for two months, 19yrs old on $20 dollars a day – would be just as stupid not to do it because everyone does it as it would be to just blindly follow everyone and do it – re summer in Europe – made all the money to go working on Dads film…


Tuesday JUNE 11th

PARIS 1991

Made it to the Young and Happy Youth Hostel. How? I have no idea. My room is clean, tiny and has a sink, checker board floor and a double bed, a bunk bed. I have no idea who the other person in here will be. I can’t believe I made it here. Bus, hovercraft, bus, two subways then I walked and still made it by six o’clock yeah. The subway here is fucked. I can’t believe I thought London was bad. Anyway, here’s what I have to do tomorrow and the next day if I stay. Anyway I’ve paid two nights here, 30 bucks oh well here it goes. I also have a phone card yeah!

My list is long because in all of my planning for this trip it never once occurred to me what I would actually spend my time doing when I wasn’t actually travelling although now that I think about it any sort of movement at all is travelling – from point A to point B. I was in a bit of shock until I realized, sitting at my tiny table after showering and drying off with my traveler sponge towel that was the size of a small wash cloth (fuck it was cold getting of the shower), that site seeing would be a part of it – thank god I almost had a heart attack until I though of it.

1)      Get European train schedule, ask at desk, if they don’t know go to Guard du Nord, I’m sure they’ll have one

2)      Get subway pass

3)      Call Sandrine the girl I met on the bus 5580 5520

4)      Have to be out by 11am have shower in evening

5)      Go to market and by bread

6)      If I go to see Sandrine who works at the Eiffel Tower then I will See the Eiffel Tower

7)      Go to Louvre

8)      Go to the Opera House

9)      Go to American Express Office and see if Fiona Wong left anything

10)  Go to Musee Dorsay

11)  Go to Sacre Coeur Montmartre

12)  Think about going to Belgium, where to go eg. Leuven, Bruselles, Ghent but go to Brussels first call CHAB 217.01.58 make reservation

Wednesday JUNE 12th

Well Lisa my roommate turned out to be not bad at all, we went out right away to a train station to get a Eurorail schedule. Afterwards I bought a bagette, tomato, cheese and water so far it looks like that will last three meals dinner, brunch and dinner. We then went and took pictures and had a cappuccino at a café and got home at about 12am and figured out the train schedule.

Just before we fell asleep I had a little scare. Lisa with her black hair and piercings told me from the top bunk as I was standing in the middle of the room which was occupied by just me that she was a lesbian. I of course flashed to the rape scene in the jail cell of whatever 70’s women jail movies I had seen way too young which left its permanent mark on me and I think I started to stutter yet act as tough as possible and as non chalant of course all at the same time.

I had a fairly good sleep once I was sure that she was asleep first it took a while. There was a lot of noise at 8am so I just lay there until 9, got dressed, ate breakfast (lunch). I’ll aim to go to the Louvre first; Sandrine doesn’t start work at the Eiffel tower until 2pm. It turns out my French isn’t as bad as I thought. I actually tried to give Lisa, who incidentally is from San José, California, a French lesson. Anyway, I have to be out of here by 11.

Said Goodbye to the lesbian, may meet her at Bobs in Amsterdam.

JUNE 12th

Musee Nationaux

De Corot aux Impressionistes,

Donations Moreau-Nelaton

3 Mai – 22 Juillet


Galeries Nationales D’exposistion

This is where I went today. I actually spent quite a lot of money. I went first to the Louvre but just my luck, and about 1000 others, the Louvre people were on strike so I didn’t go. I went, instead, to the Champs Elysees. I walked around, went to see the Impressionists my favourite etc. Then went to an absolutely incredible Seurat exhibit his stuff from all over the world, then, fifth subway, went to the Tour Eiffel to find Sandrine. Took a million subways, got out and couldn’t see it anywhere. I walked and walked and figured I must have gotten out at the wrong stop although it was the Tour Eiffel stop, I was getting so mad. Then I saw this girl taking a picture of something behind me, I turn and there it is right behind me. I laughed out loud and went to it. I asked the man who works there if he knew Sandrine. He said hold on in friend then came back and let me go up for free. Sandrine was on the 2nd floor. I never realized how scared of heights someone who was not scared of heights could be. Anyway, she was really happy to see me. I took a picture and ran out of film, then she sent me right to the top 200 meters higher. It was pretty cool. We said good-bye and I told her I would call her either tonight or on my way back home in 7weeks or so. Finally came home to the Y and H Hostel. I met five English guys who are staying here for the week to work at the air show that starts tomorrow.

Lisa and her new roommate came back to get her bag. I ate, showered and now I’m writing to you, got to go shopping au revoir. Oh ya I decided to stay here tomorrow night as well so I can go back to the Louvre I have to see the Mona Lisa, will take the Train to Brussels early Friday (June 14th) morning. Mary is my new roommate, very cool, lives in Manhatten, she suggests Ios and Paros. Go from Brindis to wither Corfu then Patras or just Patras then take train from Patras to Athens then Athens to Ios or Paros of take ferry from Bari.

Milano to Bari

21:45        748

Milano to Brindisi

1941         805

Night Train

SPAIN  San Sebastion, Barcelona

JUNE 13th

I didn’t know I could write so small.

Last night Mary, Ania (Denmark) and I went to a bar for a beer. Ania was Mary’s old roommate she moved to my room – only 2 people not 6. Anyway it was fun. Mary and I hit it off right away and we sat in the square later and got accosted by a variety of guys –not bad to drunken bumbs. I almost decided to go to Greece instead of Belgium (I am writing this in a café down the street from the Y and H. Its 11:30, I was kicked out at 11, got to go to the post office and the Louvre). Mary was there and told me great things also it’s so bloody cold up here now and I’m only in Paris. All I’m doing is going further to the cold. Oh well it makes sense to go up then down. I’m closer plus Ness wants to go to Greece and I might get her to. Anyway Mary is going to give me the name of a girl (Danish) who lives in Paros and works at the hotel she stayed at.

Simone café Bistro Paros Greece right in the centre of Paros.

Mary met these 2 Moroccan guys yesterday; we’re meeting them today at 5:00 to get hash. Mary smokes a lot. I think I’ll just go along for the ride.

Brussels: Gare Du Nord

7:07 possibly make reservation.

After coffee – Mary and I talked for quite a while – we both went to the Louvre stop but she went off in search of sunglasses and I went to the Louvre. Now I am sitting outside at Le Voltaire café with a cigarette and a café Olay. I was on my way to the Musee Dorsay when I realized that my feet hurt after three hours at the Louvre I wonder why? My favourite part was not the paintings; the Mona Lisa was OK covered in plexi and surrounded by rope and 100’s of people, but the Egyptian section (MASSIVE place) and the old parts of the Louvre inside the dungeon etc., that was GREAT. This café is on the seine Rue across from the Louvre etc. Sounds great but I am also 5ft away from a five lane expressway whew in hail those exhausts, cute guy in the red car. Anyway now I am off the Musee D’Orsay, modern stuff. Hope there is lots of Surrealism. Au Revoir. God its such shitty weather. 48 days left on my trip yeeha!

Brugge Belgium                            France Operator 12

Bruno’s Passage                            Brussels 2

Train to Brugge 707

7:48 Gare Nord


Bruno’s reservation till 6pm

First of all I forgot to tell you that last night I decided I wanted to trim the bottom of my hair. Its getting long witch fuck which is good but the back looks funny so Mary did it for me she’s never done it before. It looks funny (inch shorter) fuck I don’t care I’m in Europe. Musee D’Orsay was incredible, impressionism, post and neo were unreal. I loved the Monet, Renoir, Van Gogh and some new people. So needless to say I didn’t get home until 7:00 so I didn’t meet Mary at 5:00. I’m a bit worried about her although she left a note it’s now 8:30. Anyway on the subway I met two guys from Vancouver. Elf I showed them the way to the Y and H and they’re staying here – nice – well they told me Brussels wasn’t that great which I’ve heard before. So I decided to go to Brugge – sounds nice – I even got through to them and made a reservation for 6 pm tomorrow BRUNO’S PASSAGE that’s the hostel (got through to them after half an hour oh well I’m happy now) I’m going to give myself half an hour to get to Gare du Nord.

JUNE 14th (Friday)

Well, I got up extremely early and went to the train station – it was first class so I paid a bit extra and felt like I was doing something wrong because I just showed my pass and got on – some kind of screw up on my Eurorail but the guy (conductor) from the second train (Brussels to Brugge) fixed it all. First off I met three people from Quebec on the next train, Phil, Pat and Sophie. Sophie and Pat spoke English quite well but Phil didn’t. The guys were on a day trip to Brugge and Sophie was on her own and not sure what she was doing so I convinced her to join me at Bruno’s Passage and we’re roommates in a room for 6 or 7 people. I love Brugge. Sophie and I walked around and tried the tandom bike it was SOOOO fun, we almost got run over oh well…

I left the guys and Sophie and I went to a Dali exhibit, had a coffee etc and then we met two girls on the street and just stood there and talked and then decided we would all meet and go out tomorrow – they’re camping and from the States but go to Canada often, sisters, really cool. Then Sophie and I split up and I ended up buying a type of Birkenstocks HELL I swore I never would but my running shoes hurt my feel and its too fucking cold for my sandals. They’re a really nice soft leather but dark shoes, oh well, cost $40, that’s over two days of living but my feet are important too right! Anyway I found out that all my roommates other than Sophie are guys – interesting Brian from Cincinnati is the first one I met then some guy from Czechoslovakia then Rob from Vancouver (very cute!) well now I’m down stairs in the bar writing and waiting form Rob to come so we can go to the supermarket. Can’t spend any money tomorrow got to make it up for my shoes, meanwhile I’ve just talked to two people here. God I almost haven’t been alone at all which is ok because it’s easy to do if you want to be alone. I’m going to stay tomorrow night as well. Maybe I’ll take a day trip to Ghent then go to Amsterdam just so I can get an idea of what Belgium is like from two cities rather than one (use that Euro rail) Fuck I’m so happy! It’s like a feeling of being in love except no fighting even the stress of figuring things out i.e. where to go etc, finding things and so on are fun, so gratifying once you figure it out.

I think Sophie is going to stay tomorrow night too. We get along very well. Her English is really good and she’s learning more from me so I’m not learning French because she just wants to speak English. Two German guys just walked in to get a room, God so many different people, ideas etc. Anyway bye, I would say it in Dutch but I have no fucking idea what anything means in Dutch except for Dunka which is thank you…


PARY outside Copenhagen

RUSKIN 21ist of JUNE

Concert July6th Brugge

Sting, Paul Simon, De-light

Amsterdam Christian Youth Hostel

JUNE 15th (Saturday)

Right now I would be surprised if I could hold a pen I haven’t slept at all its 11am. I should go to sleep but I don’t think I can I’m too tired I mean I haven’t even gone near my bed. What happened was: Sophie, Rob and I went on a walk then came back, everyone in our room and others wanted to go out, James, Brian, Ann, Rob, Soph, 2 girls from Toronto, etc. So we hung out in the downstairs part, it was great, then everyone wanted to leave but I just met Paul who is English (London) and he seemed cool. He works here (three people do Linsdel, Aussie traveler, Paul and Tony, English, going to school, very cute so is Paul) Anyway Paul invited me out with them so I decided I’d rather do that. We hung out here playing guitar and talking then 3 Bulgarian guys hung out as well (although it was closed and played as well). Finally at about 12:30 we all four of us decided to go out to Snuffles (another Hostel Bar) we went drank more and had fun, met Dave, then went to Chris’ bar  (Tony stayed behind) Paul and I began having intense conversations about life etc. I saw a girl crying and tried to help her but she was Flemish and hardly any English but she cried on my shoulder all the same. Then we came back at 5am and ate, watched some of a movie, Linsdel went to sleep then Tony fell asleep in a chair, I stayed up with Paul and helped him set up for breakfast and I’m still up. Paul might come with me tomorrow to Amsterdam, hitchhiking. I figure I’d do it with him I would never hitch alone. Now it’s pouring out and if I don’t have a shower soon my hair will fall out (grease hell and I smell, well I’m falling asleep bye what else shit I can’t remember…

Sophie’s address,


Rob’s address,


The two sisters just came: wow Sophie is off to the train station lucky she didn’t leave.

Well now it’s the same day but I slept from noon to 6pm and just had a shower. I feel much better. Paul’s fucking me up; not physically of course, I’m not really attracted to him that way, but mentally emotionally he is. It’s hard to explain, I’ll try though. It’s that he is so…I don’t know, he kind of reminds me of Dan but I don’t think Dan’s even that screwed up. It’s funny though in some ways he’s very together. He is 23 and never wants to go home until after he’s seen everything he wants to. He has a three year old son who had his birthday today. In his attitude towards people it’s so straight forward and blunt that it’s scary. Sort of like be good to the good people and the ones he feels are good and screw everyone it else (superficiality). The thing is I think a lot of people are like that but just never have the guts to say it. Him and I took a nap in Linsdels room and she did too. He gave me money that he took from a girl who paid for a room, he kept it.  He was trying to convince me to get my money back for tonight and come stay with him at Daves (Aussie I met last night). I think his intensity makes me nervous. Him wanting to “keep money for us” etc., makes me feel like we are eloping it’s weird because it has nothing to do with sex, I actually think that would be a fuck of a lot easier to deal with.

Last night he wasn’t afraid to say I was a good person etc. He was so proud when I went up to the girl who was crying and I saw quite deep into him etc. Also he said all the shit he was telling me he hadn’t told anyone in years and probably never will again, well any way he is so angry about working here its unreal. Bruno came in and woke him up at 5:45 and he said he had to get up and work again. Paul just kept saying that was it he couldn’t do it anymore, really mad, and that’s when he tried to get me to go to Dave’s. Anyway I had a shower and now he’s gone, told Tony that he just had to get sleep and that they would meet for a drink. A large part of me wants him to never comeback I’m scared of a lot of things, mainly selfish I think, like money (I can’t really lend him), it raining and us hitching, taking a long time to get there, and me not having much time, cold and I don’t have much warm stuff. I don’t know I guess I just think it would be easier to just leave, hop on a train and be there in 2 hrs or whatever. I should probably call a hostel but I don’t know if I am going to be there tomorrow or not. I don’t know I feel fucked up. I think I’ll call Care.

Wow that feels good. I just talked to Care, Dad and Caiti for almost half an hour. It’s incredible but I feel so calm now not anxious like before. My Dad said he loved me and I said the same.


“Cool rain in the month of June. Namu Amida Butsu.”

Sabina, talking to you has made me too feel fine and calm.


Add where you were outside bakery coble stones expensive cheese…apoem by marcus AND

50 pages more insert here Vienna salzberg munich and berlin and love in the shower with tony will she make it back to him and go to the concert?


Sabina goes to the jewish cemetery in Prague and and when in Germany goes to dakau…very heavy.

Boris and Dorian Sabina’s Yugoslavian loves – dorian with his dark hair and piercing blue eyes and his ability to speak English and his pink hat and Boris with his dark eyes and beard and little English and thick painter hands. They could not go home because of the war between the Serbians and Croatians they were croation and called home and they could not come home. Sabina met them in the square and stayed with them for nine days in their squat and painted Boris’s picture on the wall she didn’t like the colours in the day and he said “maybe it is a night picture” she loved them both Dorian more gorgeous and more talking between them but like a brother. Sabina lived in an apartment with an American girl for 10 dollars a night – full apartment. You could get a full course meal for a dollar, they had just opened Hungary just that year ‘91 and Czechoslovakia the year before – the Berlin wall the year before it was madness and cheap as hell – lots of sex and drinking. The first gulf war was going on so it was very cheep to travel and not many Americans around. Boris had a city in his mind where everyone he knew could live and Sabina was now part of that city.

That beautiful bridge where the serbs and croatians met, the art, the island with the swan…he said “say hi to Ester if you see her”…She did not see her on the rest of her American/british camping trip in Switzerland and Greece…Well, we drank in the square for a while and then…

CANADA DAY JULY 1st 1991 Prague (don’t forget CANADA DAY JULY 1st in CHINA 1994 with Nicole – talked about how I would have had a child sitting on the stone wall

“I’m drunk and sitting in the square in Prague drinking wine Melinda has gone to look for guy on main bridge shit the cute guy in the pink hat is leaving cute ass should I write on the empty page I will now.”

“Now in a shitty mood sitting across form Dorian ( guy in pink hat – he wrote to her later) I stayed to go to Jethro Tull and now I’m missing that I have to leave at 7:00 to get to Brugge Brunos will not be open. It’s very cool here I could stay longer but I feel good leaving as well. It’s getting a bit too weird for me. I’ve met some very cool people I don’t know why I feel so fucked up. All I know is that I hate men. I mean I like them. I feel more comfortable meeting guys and hanging out with them. But if…”

“There was a squat once in Praha,

There was a painting on the wall,

I’d like to have a photo of it.”

Boris Bacic

The mattress, the spins, the sex, Persephone, the difference between this and the American trip – the wars touching Sabina but not touching her. No condom with Boris could have gotten pregnant – then moved together…“Wine, music, painting, good conversation and sex, all I need now is a shower. Zena from Scotland who was also with Boris came in while I was on top asking for directions and Boris fixing my camera, it stayed on the same #16 which means I took about five pictures on the same frame. I hope what he did worked because these pictures mean more to me than any. Zena, who got hit by a train and survived because of her backpack – she just lay under the train – liked my name but knew a girl with the same name who she didn’t like so she named me Persephone which is incredible I’ve loved that name for years and wanted to call my kid that if I have on that is. I think I’ll just fuck it and go to Brugge.”

“Boris and Dorian can’t go back to Yugoslavia and they are running out of money. If they go to Italy at the border they will put them in a camp. Their parents can’t send them any more money. They are fucked. Maybe I can get a train that leaves earlier than 23:40 so that I can get into Brugge earlier. I have to get into this fucking apartment first then shower, pack, then train station. I told Boris I would meet him on the steps at 7:00 the usual meeting time to say good bye ( he did write to me after “my little sunflower“) . He is so interesting and cool and nice and funny I think I am ready to go though fuck I think it might rain. It’s almost 2:00 please Maria please come god I am filthy. Well, I’ve spent (or will have spent by tonight) $110 in 6 days I’ve spent that much in 2 or 3 days before that’s a bit less than $20 a day and 6 nights I’ll be on a night train tonight. Maria Maria where are you? Bye

JULY 6th

Well, I’m missing the concert in Brugge. That’s ok. I planned to leave even found one that left earlier 20:45 and would have arrived today at about 1:00, bought a ticket to the border and everything – missed that train. What happened was Melinda had gone to meet me at our apartment even though we were both at the party. Well Maria came to the apt at about 2:30 she didn’t recognize me or she didn’t know what the fuck I was doing there, it was one thing or the other I’m not sure, Well, Melinda left me another note saying she waited for me with Luis and Maria. ( I finally figured out right now who that was – the cute guy with long brown hair – Jason and sharin told me). Anyway I took a bath and packed and left. I dropped my shit off at the train station (a dollar to keep your bags there) then got the info and ticket and got postcards wrote and mailed them and went to meet Boris etc. Dorian, steve came then Boris and Veronica. Boris had shaved he looked cute. Well it wasn’t weird at all we went to the bridge and drank wine. I missed both trains there saw zena and told her how Persephone was my favourite name I told Boris I wanted to climb the mountain and he came with me. We held hands and kissed and climbed. Then on the way down we stopped in a field for quite a while and started to have sex (HUGE). Then I told him that we had no protection I wasn’t “on” anything. He said shit and hugged me and told me I should have told him that before. Well, I had a you- know-what and it was great. Then we went to Ujed and stayed for a while. Well, Dorian and I had good talks last night we decided to leave to go to sleep at the squat. Well Boris thought I was going to the train station to leave. I was only getting my sleeping bag out of the locker. He was happy when he found that out. So we went to station and bumped into Boris on a train we went home and slept. This morning we fooled around in a very intense way just feeling with our hands. I personally thought I was going to explode -Dorian cute himself with a knife so we went to the train station and got polysporin. Then I called Sophia at the post office and she sounded weird I don’t quite know why. I told her I was still in Prague and that I was going to extend my trip. She said it was ok but not to say that I was going to do it because of money i.e. Euro rail still lasting two weeks beyond trip. I don’t know she sounded weird to me. Well now here I am at the square. I keep seeing J & S funny guys. Well, I think I’ll leave either Sunday night or Monday to Switzerland then Greece. Sophia said Dad wanted to talk to me, hear my voice – cute. Well, I love it here. Bye

JULY 7th

Right now I’m on the island again. There was a small party here and now I’m waiting for steve to come back with wine. Only me and Boris and Dorina and their three Yugoslav friends were here, we ate their food – cool – and now they have gone but I wanted to be here alone to write a bit. Boris left his stuff with me so he and Dorian will come back for sure. Today Boris and I spent the day together. It was really nice, he took pictures all day (My camera fucked up again and I ended up exposing some film as well. Shit. What can you do?? All day yesterday and today I have been trying to make dreads in my hair. Sharin was here earlier and he helped with beer and dirt I bet I look hysterical. Last night we sat on the steps for quite a while then we went to have a beer at a pub then beer garden, bumped into Baz and Zena, I like Baz a lot cool guy. All night Boris was acting weird for some reason I liked that though. We went to Ujezd but I had no money Veronica ended up paying for me we stayed for a bit and the whole night I walked arm and arm with Dorian he is like my brother now. It’s strange, well, Veronica got jealous and asked Dorian about us. Dorian got sort of “pensive” about Yugo and what he will do so I talked to him for a while. Last night was the first time Boris and I showed affection for each other in public at Ujezd. I felt a bit uncomfortable but liked it as well, we decided or he did to go on a search for condoms (train station) and food.

JULY 8th

I stopped before because I think Steve came. Anyway we found no condoms (although they were there – we saw the next day). Right now I have said goodbye to Boris, Dorian and the other Yugos went ahead so I told Boris to say goodbye and give Dorian a huge for me. He said “what is a hug?” So I gave him one. We kissed on the island and said goodbye. He said he would keep me in his city – the wild place he told me about yesterday – and I said he would be in mine. Today he found a large bead on the ground and then I found a smaller one so we switched. I put it on my necklace, rather he did, and he put it on his bracelet hanging from his shirt. I’m very sad right now. I know it is the right time to leave even though no one thought I would. I’m not on the train yet but I am in my mind. I’m just spending my last hour in the square, yesterday my film fucked up again so I took some pictures today. I don’t really care anymore that it fucked up I’ll never forget anything that has happened to me on this trip. Last night I had another you-know-what. God Boris and I had so much fun. George and Georg are coming, Bye.

JULY 9th

Finally made it to Lucern after 17 hours, it didn’t seem that bad. The best thing about it so far besides its beauty is I did a laundry my jeans are clean my sweatshirt shorts tank top and underwear, fucking amazing. Of course just now I sat in an extremely wet spot and my ass is once again dirty what can ya do? There are stains of paint on my pants still but you know what? I like them hee hee reminds me of the first night Boris and I got together. I don’t miss prague funnily enough I guess I wouldn’t have left if I wasn’t ready to. So I’m staying at the cheapest place I could find here which is actually quite cheap 10sfc a campground. If I was with someone else I would stay in a tent but I’m not thank god I was ready to be on my own it had been about 12 days. Today after doing my absolutely revolting dirty laundry I walked along the edge of the lake for a while even put my feet in. If it is hot tomorrow I think I’ll go for a swim. Then I stopped and watched the same guys playing with balls (forget the name) for a long time. Had a shower, didn’t wash my hair, come on dreads. I talked to the guys playing and figured out how it works. Now I am listening to the birds. Tomorrow I must change my plane ticket. Ciao I think I’ll go back and watch some more.

O.K I have to admit right now I am contemplating going back to Praha. Of course I won’t In a way it’s a pride thing. I do miss Boris and if I went back I think Dorian would be gone if he got the money together which I doubt. Anyway I walked to watch a gorgeous sunset and almost passed out I’m so tired. The only thing that made we want to go back in combination with being overtired was seeing couples EVERYWHERE. Boris is the first person since my ex that I have felt like a couple with and we were for what it was. However long it may have lasted had we had the chance I don’t know and don’t really care it was wonderful for what it was AND that is why I can’t go back. Also I was ready to leave I guess I was getting too stagnant or something. Although its only 1030 I’m planning to go to bed and although I am sad after 7 straight nights of seeing the sun rise and one 17hr train ride I might die if I don’t get 12 hrs of sleep and tonight is the night. I can feel it taking over as we speak. God it’s so expensive hear I don’t see how I can spend only 20 bucks a day I don’t know. Someone is playing the guitar. Nice. Wish you were here, fucking great. Anyway Boris is like Paul except more in a way because it was physical as well.  I miss them both now because I feel a loss but when I write the first thing that comes to my mind is Boris’ city in his mind and I must put them both in my own city and never let them go but let them go as well. God now I feel like crying. It’s funny because I can say honestly that I love Boris, Dorian and Paul but all in such different ways even Boris it’s not quite a boyfriend love like it was with my ex but it’s more than just a friendship love. I think it has more to do with the soul – whatever that is exactly I don’t know. We’re soul mates and that’s why I hurt all over not just in my heart. I guess I should be glad that one can find people like that for themselves. I am but also I hate the feeling it leaves when you separate. It’s such a feeling of loss it really is unreal. I miss Melinda and Steve as well but it doesn’t hurt as much. I feel very peaceful on this campground but at the same time I can’t unsettle the unsettled feeling inside my soul It aches like nothing I’ve felt before, sort of like when my ex and I split for the first time. Shit I don’t know I can’t put my finger on it and I’ll just have to accept that. Goodnight all you souls out there I love you all.

JULY 15th

Right now I’m sitting on a boat, a ship sailing to the Greek Islands.  (Shirley Valentine) Everyone is sleeping and I have had my first urge ever to jump into the sea, no one would know and I would die in the black ocean. The two british guys who I’m travelling with would notice when they woke up we’ve been smoking hash and playing back gammon and I like them a lot, I won’t beable to go with them to Morocco but we’ll wake up everyday in the shade on the beach because one of them is an astronomer I found that out by sleeping on the roof with them in Athens. I tried to find Ester the girl Boris told me to say hi too but I couldn’t find her, we ate Baklava yum.

Just like Interlaken, Ios is an American camp or sorority or fraternity and I hate them for being happy, vapid and drunk on bad beer. The girls really are happy if they are with the right guy and wearing the right skirt and I hate them. I say this about Melinda in a way – I was walking the Acropolis and guess who MELINDA fucking weird she was very tanned and was with two American guys totally preppie and sporty while I was with the hairlipped and braided head hash smoking backgammon playing martin and barrie from Gloucestershire. I like them a lot barrie with the hairlip especially he isn’t the astronomer and is very cynical. I’ve been spending money now that I’m leaving on the 1st. It’s like I’m mad at someone for not being able to go to Spain or Portugal so I’m spending.

JULY 17th

I’m wasted right now, slept on the beach last night with Martin and Barrie. In a bar now might as well be in the states. I love rock and roll put another dime in the jute box baby, I love rock’n roll come and take some time and dance with me!!! OW! Love that song.

JULY 19th

Well I’m in Santorini now it’s gorgeous. This is more what I pictured Greece like. It’s a huge island on a volcano or it is a volcano, black sand beaches. Last night we drank shit wine and then went bar hopping eventually decided to go back to the campground. We had been searching for good music all night well in the campground I heard some so I followed it and it lead me to the beach bar, very cool place and that’s where I am now just had breakfast. Well, I talked to theses Dutch people for a while last night then I saw Martin he had picked up this girl so I had to leave him to it.

Now I’m on the beach. The sand is just tiny black rocks. The ocean floor is all rock as well. I took off my top look out for whit torpedoes shit I look ridiculous all the women without tops are already so tanned and have great tits. Me on the other hand they haven’t seen the sun since Jamaica two and a half years ago. AND by no means are they great BUT I feel good – free (this is so the Bridget Jones segment) even if I look stupid who of these people will I ever see again. Oh yeah Barrie asked me last night to go touring around England and Ireland with him on a motorcycle. It’s funny because I don’t know exactly how I feel about that. I’m flattered and we do get along well as friends but I don’t know how I’ll get the money. Also I might go stir crazy travelling with him. The two of them don’t really seen to go and met people unless people meet them. Well we’ll see. I hope Martin and Barrie don’t see me like this. Fuck. Ciao

JULY 21st

Well tonight is my last night in Santorini Perissa. I debated skipping Paros and staying ad working for Milto at his sea side restaurant for room and board but it feels right to go. I’ve heard Anti-Paros is quite nice. Not yesterday but the day before Martin and Barrie left. Oh yeah during that day we were sitting at the Beach Bar as usual and I went up to get Beer AND… Laurie and Shaun were there and that was great. It was so good to see them we made plans to meet later that night at the beach bar. Anyway oh yeah I beat Barrie at Backgammon FINALLY. Well we all partied that night. The first night we were here Martin scored a woman so he went out with here that night but martin and I went out to dinner and barrie sat at the campsite and got drunk on uzo. When we came back he had made a friend Matt also English huge and tanned army guy 19 as well that’s a first. Well we all partied and laure and I talked a lot about her family, her multiple personality aunt cheating on shaun ,boris and my ex we had fun Barrie was pissed so we fought a bit oh well.

I just watched a guy who passed out on the beach at 730 (now 930) get woken up and taken away – god I have never seen anything so funny.

Anyway hung out on the beach all day with Barrie and Martin and then they left to go back to Athens it was sad to say good bye we travelled together for a week. Weird conversations…

Well two nights ago I talked to Giotto long blond hair from Cali been here two months. It was weird I just had to talk to him. That’s when I met Milto he is greek but studied in London for 3 years, lives in Athens but just opened a creperier here. Giotto asked if I wanted to go there and have a crepe – 3am – so we all went and the three of us talked for hours. Both very intelligent and we had great intense conversations about life, peace is it possible or not etc. Giotto told me about the Rainbow Gathering in Poland. I’d like to go but I just don’t have time. Well, it’s where people gather…

JULY 22nd

Unbelievably enough I am sitting on a ferry with Matt and MELINDA, Steve and Jeff they got on the same bus and I swear her out the window so here we are fuck so wild we have a whole area with carpets put out etc very cozy.

JULY 26th

Went to Brindisi and hung out with Martins girl and meat a cool Chilean girl. On the way to Nice on the night train from Milan to Nice in the FUCKING TRAIN guess who calls out my name? MELINDA. God what a joke she even flew to Rome so I figured I wouldn’t bump into her again for sure; we spent the day together in Nice on the beach. She was off to Barcelona to get a job. So we travelled together but separately and not meaning to necessarily from Hungary where I met her in Budapest to Nice.

Going to sell my Eurorail for one hundred something works out amazing this girl just has to come with me to Paris and buy it and leave so I’ll have more than 10 bucks when I get home yeah. Well I’m off to the water. Bye.

JULY 29th

Still in Cap D’ail have been all along the French Riviera by train this is the perfect location. Turns out there are 9 girls at one point here travelling alone so it’s working out well. I’ve been to Villefranche Ser Mer, Tourrette Sur Loup where I was conceived and my parents lived for a year, Nice, Cannes, Monacco, Monte Carlo, and now Eze. I want to live here. I spent the day on my own and when I went for a drink this guy sat down with me and asked if he could by me a drink ( orange juice) Turns out he is Egyptian and his name is camel and his dad recently died and his mom is in the hospital and well he asked if we could walk together and I said sure ( stupid) then he kept trying to hold my hand and kept saying I was beautiful and can he kiss me so of course I try and explain in my broken French “why can’t men and women be friends.” And I don’t think it really worked I got so frustrated because he was a cool guy why did he have to be so unreasonable. He cornered me against a building and told me he loved me and I told him he was crazy and barely escaped. Well it was an interesting adventure now waiting on the beach in Eze for Sharon to go to Nice and get a train to Paris we had to pay for a couchette oh well. WATER TIME.  BYE.


19-23 years old University scene or two MONTREAL 1989 ROAD TRIPS – yes, yes, yes

In CHINA working on dads film She ends up sleeping with the FAMOUS ACTOR from before when she is 21 in china – meets him again with her aunt in his hotel bedroom “so how old are you now?” from his layer…”I should have had you then”  The car drive back from the wall – only two cars on the road legs wrapped around basically two hours of foreplay– she drives with the actor instead of crew two hours… the hotel bar – crossword puzzle -  the hotel bed, the cigarette burn, the elevator, the end…the rick-shaw ride, FILM SET CHINA outside opera – up cement stairs sc in change room knock, knock five minutes – he is in there with translator clearly now sleeping with her. SABINA also finds out he is married in this scene and finds out dad may have had affair with Italian translator HATES MEN – scene of her crying and throwing up in Chinese ally way and tries to go home – production friend “whatever you tell them the lie has to be as bad if not worse than the truth…” so she stays…tells SOPHIA about sex with actor to give her power.

Has friend there on set they go to Chinese family’s house for dinner and have 100 year old eggs – go on bicycles….on set revolution scene Mao outfits chinese ally’s the river – hotel madness….survey’s lunch to the great wall – shooting at the great wall Sabina’s boss tells her to redirect group of tourists from getting in the shot and she sends them into the bush never to be scene again – at the foot of the wall from the top…walkie talkies…

Back in Toronto Sabina wants to finish working on the film but dad says she has to go back to school angry scene here – and when discovers feminism yells “get your own pie!!!”

1990 Early 20’s Back to university hating men – INTRO TO FEMINISM – kids in the hall – naked black crippled dyke sketch. Politically correct. Slams plate down in front of dad at table when back home. Angry scene here also confronts Sophia in garage over Porche “are you happy with this life??? “Don’t ask me if I’m happy” Sabina has No understanding of being a parent or having a family yet – only realizing that at 37 as she slams the plate down yet again in front of her husband –  only knows about the failed 50’s 60’s and 70’s and now materialistic 80’s into the black 90’s

COCAINE – speed really – very promiscuous now and wasted!!!!

Goes home for holidays and confronts dad about possible affair with translator he denies it says he was so excited about being in china he kissed her but that was it and she is crazy and told his assistant the same thing and she is in a serious relationship with a married Italian director anyway…still so angry at dad – HAIR VERY RED!!!

Back to Montreal then road trip back for world series and wrap party of Chinese film in bar and hotel room – car accident friend from film set from china she almost went home with him but he was drunk so she didn’t get into car then finds out later scene that he smashed into tree and broke his legs and back….

Back in Montreal – Sabina obsessed with actor – she sits in the Maine restaurant late into the night he serves her potato latkas and they flirt – he won’t sleep with her she sort of rapes him one night after he got off work at 5am…finally they do go out dancing and he is so hot for her she has her period and whips the tampon out and they have great sex – her and her friends end up naming this night the catch because of the catch of the  tampon by his closet and she caught crabs that night – she shaves her pubes with roommates hair clippers and gets ointment and goes to his house to confront him and he says it’s lice from his daughter ( has 8 year old he is 7 years older than her) She finds out after research this is a lie they are not the same and finds ( don’t forget night at the bus station him and her and his friend who ends up living in her building later when she moves out from living with roommate) when he says he likes her when she is like this but not like that…anyway she finds out he is sleeping with another woman and has gotten her pregnant and is moving to NY to go to Rutgers for acting – he was recently involved in a scandal and is having a baby with Ann Heche…hi Jim how are yeah? Sabina goes to his apartment and leaves him a note “just as a disease twists and contaminates its host you twist and contaminate the situation…” Yes anger to men again…

Scene with friends making wine it runs down the walls into the landlords apartment below (old Portuguese) and the neighbours think the walls are bleeding…watching “the band” for the whole weekend – the mountain stoned and bongos…buying beer on the mountain wondering around…music from the band….

Mushrooms with the professor who Sabina almost has an affair with he drives her home a few times in his tiny grey car in the freezing Montreal winter with papers everywhere they almost kiss…and she takes his daughter out to a movie and met his wife so she can’t – for the last class they take mushrooms – the class meets at a persons house each week- and her and her friend who she ends up going to china with get all the guys to move all the furniture around while they sit on the sofa directing – for the final project her and her friend make a movie in the cemetery about Chinese mythology…music DEAMONDA..She hears he is having affair with his grade student at a party and she gets repulsed as much as she loves the repulsive attraction….Also has power crises while on mushrooms how can he be a person and be grading her – he threw up and loses his boot on the way to bar – she takes whole class to bar where she goes and guy who she sleeps with on occasion but was also date raped by when super stoned on hash (didn’t even know who was fucking her) – she separates from them and one boy keeps trying to get her back to the group but she can’t then her friend joins her and they all go there own way –

First MUSHROOM TIME goes back to 18yrs old – first in Jamaica with first boyfriend and they bump into friends from TO and have mushroom tea after dinner – they are on the beach camping at roots bamboo … when the may lox hit the fan… she sees ziggy marley play there and gets yet another bladder infection in a hot tent – they camp a lot – Algonquin too with friends at first then alone…Looses virginity when he is wasted and in his friends bed ( he comes in so pissed!!!) or so she thinks – goes to doctor to find out if she is still a virgin “ yes hymen is still intact but should wait until rip heals” Hurts every time they try and she thinks she will have to become a nun…finally it works short but sweet – and he is not drunk for once ( so callem keith rennee in californication…) Sabina paints sun on friends wall – scene with friends hiding playing jimmy Hendrix for him to come up to his room for surprise b day party – Sabina meets him first the summer his dad died before first love who she follows in the halls of the highschool – acid wash jeans selling acid – bleach blond hair mother living in cali too…she is obsessed – they go out then he calls her and says “I need to fly” She says fuck you go fly of a fucking bridge – they he says she is like a a granola bar and other girl is like a chocolate bar – she says fuck you but they have sex anyway her dad and Sophia and kids  are away in uk for a month so fun! Then they break up again and get back together at friends dads wedding – in the bathroom they have a coke and sprite bath he moves everything in there remote control radio blankets and they have sex in there he carries her outside over the water and puts ashtrays down her pants and says “when they dance it’s like green and yellow together they are bluing…” They are madly in love. She can’t handle his girl friends and that ultimately breaks them up after a year – it’s way too intense for her – he thinks they will get married some day always thinks that – he moves to Montreal all friends say they are with him two in particular and it hurts her so badly – when his new girlfriend gets pregnant she goes to see them at his dads she walks for miles in the woods why because he asked her to – so badly they were vegetarians together – did earth day – Before the move to montreal and this trip as friends they were going to volunteer for nelson mandella together but she walked into basement and they were all in bed together including that girl who plagued her (what a dick really) and she walked out and it was over she volunteered her self and met some cool people and ended up at this girls cottage with mixed couple and they all talked about rape and racism their mixed daughter was there and Sabina realized she in her lifetime had been ashamed to be half jewish and that she had experienced anti Semitism and had no protection being mixed because she has a jewish last name Lowenstein but wasp mother so jews say she isn’t jewish – outsider – when she goes to montreal she becomes friends with a lot of jews for the first time other than her family of course…Sabina takes an airplane there with Sophia to find an apartment and Sophia tells her “I had a really hard time when you came to live with us I was just having my first baby and”  Sabina can’t hear it cuts her off so angry can’t hear it and Sabina takes it to mean she was too much work for any one and separates herself further they have a really difficult time on the phone and it’s always weird she calls her dad crying feeling badly that he is paying for everything her apartment and her tuition etc. he says “it’s the best money I have ever spent”….when Sabina goes back to TO she can only hang with ex and friends and he has yet another girlfriend and her brother is there too and she has just read the edible woman and is obsessed with the character Duncan so she sleeps with one of the new friends named Duncan half to feel better because ex is with new girl and  she tells her friend “just because his name is Duncan”.

Oh yeah don’t forget a couple of years later when they are out of university house Sabina still hangs with them when she goes home and there is a new house with all friends she sleeps with new guy and gets pregnant – he lives with her ex aswell – who still thinks they will marry some day  – they have a drunk walk well he is drunk and he says “we could get married and have a jewish wedding “ and she yells “No No No I wouldn’t want a jewish wedding!” Upset by how little he knows her and that he still thinks they will be getting married he really hurt her deeply…she is still back and forth from TO and montreal and the new guy goes to montreal and they have sex while she is pregnant  – she remembers her first time being morning sick she was 21 should she have had it later when she is thinking about getting pregnant it all comes back and she has to deal with it very difficult and upsetting later after having a hard time and two miscarriages one before each child she wonders if abortion is really such a good thing after all what would her life have been like maybe she should have …anyway very, very sad– she grabbed an apple at a store on her way home from school to stop herself from being sick this was her first time – she had an abortion and they never slept together again but they Had a real chemistry ( after seeing californication maybe they would have been together well they would have been in each others lives forever – the ones who didn’t have it weren’t together and she couldn’t stay with him they had sex one other time and that was clearly it over)…Who knows what would have happened – German but also very California AT THIS HOUSE she finds out guys have sex with friends just because they watched porno – from ex – and Sabina has sex with two guys in two days – guy from same group she use to fuck in leaves who is also german ( his dad as a boy biked across germany to find his father – he was a fighter) and new guy – she is so stoned she almost says “you are so much better than the guy I fucked last night”…she tells dad in country he says I hope you had a shower….she sleeps with this new guy off and on like old high school guy when she is in town – christmas eve she gets pregnant they have anal sex and then from behind he says he pulled out but he clearly didn’t next morning she eats hash cake with him and then calls home panicked when she realizes it’s x-mas eve and has to go to their country house her sister answers and tells her “Charlie is dead” her bird “Uh ok well death is something that happens..uh “  “I know – you better come home…”

They are in china together in Tiananmen square when her sister says “Can you believe that you are you and I am me and we are here. “ Having profound existential moment without even knowing about tank and student stand off…

Another montreal party when the Toronto friends come up not ex he is back on Venice beach tells her (they still talk on the phone) he say “I saw two lesbians out my window having sex on a lawn chair” He just wants phone sex he is that guy….party with balloons nitrous asswhole roommate-to-be so cold they are dressed he is wearing her green flannel bed sheet and is Ceasar  it’s Halloween montreal notorious for those parties – old montreal  she tries to leave won’t take vomit clothes home-her friend opened bathroom door and got vomited on her – friends horrible she is too stoned and sees other friend who will become her sister –in -laws husband??? Or more to the point he will be married to the sister and she will marry the brother – good friend of her old montreal roomate…He helps her work the freight elevator nothing happens always just friends which is rare for Sabina and nice – she has crush on him he does not reciprocate…Is this where fantasy kicks in????

Any other elevator scenes??/With dad when she is three and drops to the floor masturbating and they exit dad embarrassed – elevator with older actor, elevator with friends, helpful friend – montreal and new York they visit – he plays guitar –montreal in the spring…another ever happens between them except friendship thank god…she had crush though…when her first daughter is one and a half and she is thinking of leaving husband for this guy and they are in freight elevator…”you called me” “ Shit now we can’t lock it in”  – pictures in bar so inlove so electric – has dreams like crazy about him….dreams are messages sometimes being sent for sure – can’t leave husband and can’t have affair – they kiss, a couple times they live a life together in a short period of time….this is later more on this later…husband gets off anti depressants – they keep trying to make it work any way this guy he is an alcoholic  and so is his wife – Sabina knows her form university she was in awe of her- her step mom tells her once that “I’ve  heard of women getting together with men because really they like the women”  – this is very true of Sabina (she loved husbands sister and mother)…this guy pulled her at the communists daughter with this radical woman from her past who really pulled her…

Don’t forget bar – slick clubs vs. grunge dj bars and coke with girls and eddie – fun Except the down and wanting to sell mother and skiis for more – now know friend also from californication..but also other bar so grunge “ I’ll eat all the pop corn off the floor if any one leaves – the angry night out to dinner with friends parents and find a 20 on a chair – go to bifteck and get wasted (roommate gone and these two get into trouble! (Looks like coke wife from californication) “We don’t have any more junior burgers” I only have a dollar can’t you cut a burger in half and call it a junior burger!!! “No we can’t” “Well then fuck you Harvey’s fuck you!!!! Out on the street giving them all the finger through the pane glass window.

At university when Sabina goes home to visit friends in TO (mushrooms in to – university house still so 19 yrs old) her and friend sit on sofa the whole night nose watering eyes watering totally bonding time will never forget laughing can’t even go pee – ignoring boys completely…

Then again back in Montreal a couple of times – Halloween party she is the angle (angel that is) of death and forgets so when she goes to the bathroom and sees her face hollowed out she thinks it’s real – her wings made out of coat hangers get caught as she tries to struggle through the party and thinks people are trying to grab her – guy dressed as woman does the “put the lotion in the basket” one too many times and she freaks out – friend arrives and brings her more mushrooms – she eats them anyway then he takes her home…they are friends and don’t sleep together ….he has graduated and back visiting – they are friends in her first year he tries to teach her guitar for food some Dylan but she can’t cook – canned spaghetti – they go to dinner with his parents – in Toronto he takes her out for lobster dinner – then when she lives on college he calls guilting her too much she already has parents thank you – when he has Epstein bar she visits him at home – but when he calls and brings on the guilt she gets pissed then she sees him at the rivoli with another hot girl – at university she set him up with many – and she says don’t ever call me again! Later at 37 two kids bumps into him at the doctors he has three….UPPER JEW Step mom said “you should marry him” “ But we’re just friends!!” So angry. Step mom and her talk about boys a lot…he takes down her phone number – she still dreams about him – never about husband….knows about Sophia and Dads romances…

First time she was around coke was at his apartment back in first year all so cool Dylan and she smoked coke…she loved him, still does – he even had a friend that lived on her childhood street they hung out in his basement…she dreams about him still…sometimes her first but not recently – although in 30’s gets the call he is separated from wife… dreams about old roommate still…just the other night he was in the fetal position and kept repeating over and over again “The same as Nora, The same as Nora” which took her hours to figure out Nora the baby they named her Nora – her late miscarriage- so painful yes their relationship was like her dead baby that hadn’t reached maturity. Sabina dreamt about her dad and oldest cousin and him once when they were still roommates (they had slept together and fooled around for years and years before they were roommates) all in a house, all in bed, no one really with her, then, she , in anger, overturns all the trays covered with beads

Travel china later scene or two with friend who she did the movie and mushrooms with they have road trip with two other friends to Chicago her ex sleeps with friend he is suppose to go with them and share gas to Alaska to fish but he bailed and then Sabina and friend fly out of Chicago to china with flying points from dads movie – travel three months in china half time together other part alone. No sexual threat – so free – the Yangse gorge Friend has man who has been travelling for over a decade – she asks her by the hole in the ground they call a bathroom“  If that mountain right in front of us disappeared what would you do” “ I think my mind would accept it, would rationalize it to have never been there to begin with “– she tells Sabina of her sexual abuse… They eat a chicken Sabina decides she can eat chicken she has been a vegetarian for 2 and a half years if she can see it killed  – must know where it comes from…1990-95 Before this – they take bus ride and almost die almost go off the mountain together holding hands they have pot and go into Burma – children with machine guns…Also fight by train station manicans and dumpster…also running for train when falls backwards down cement stairs – like a horse race they all wait in gates then they are opened and they run – Sabina looks behind her and her friend is gone Sabina keeps running and gets to the door of the train she is hanging on her arm getting bent backwards she is trying not to go into the train with out her friend or she will be lost – finally she comes up to her she is fighting for a spot looking for her thinking she is lost forever her friends upper lip is tucked under she fell backwards down cement stairs…( very different from way Sabina travelled in china before – she tries to be in touch with disillusionment there was romantic china for west now water buffalo and cell phones and temples foreign money is gone from before – takes trains and smokes and plays cards with men and talks about joint ventures…her friend from first year (the lobster dinner) his roommate who she loved and he helped her with her andrea dworkin ( bell hooks – later new friends lesbians bisexual and half black and half jewish – ) paper that ”by logic a tampon would be occupation” – he took Chinese and lives there now…Don’t forget the Opium war of 1847   England wants tea from china they give it to their miners down the shaft a hot cup of tea it becomes part of their National identity but china doesn’t want to trade opium from India anymore the government cracks down on the drug and doesn’t want to trade Englands wool for tea and the Brits won’t give them gold so they go to war they take hong kong  – the treaty of Nanking – they take hong kong and the tea  -  deal is it goes back in 1997 (year Sabina meets husband and Lady Diana is killed and Jill Dando)

Sabina leaves her friend with 15 year traveler guy ( she hangs with one too and isrealis in groups and one alone) and travels platonically with another guy for a bit around and she shaves her head and sleeps in Buddhist temple at the top of a mountain – as she goes down she fights with rick-shaw men – not really rick shaw more like a hammock they carry (different rick-shaw experience then with actor) has never been so fluent as when she is angry – they say she has a big nose – how can all these different looking people come from the same country etc if she is Canadian than friend is Russian can’t be from the same country…she has the best potatoes ever – and altitude sickness – as issues with travel guides – leaves friend there who has finished degree and goes back MONTREAL to write about travel in china and past and present and sites on the body…meets prof for beer…has new friend with Japanese husband psychiatrist she is fluent and cool gets into underground comic book scene and sushi…almost has orgy with trouble friend still doing coke/speed – now can’t go out without it every weekend…old roommate visits – when friend sells skis and sleeps with dealer now not good…

Moving back home (knows not to seek out coke here) tonsils out codeine – INTRO TO CODEINE – jam session. Sleeping with guy and they eventually move in together – roommates…


FILM CREW around on deserted strip of road, spectator stands on one side. The SFX CO-ORDINATOR (well loved and later dies in film set accident)  and his main guy play with the remote controls of a real life size Porsche. The SABINA is now 23 and a YOUNG WOMAN her hair is long again and parted in the middle darker blond than before – she and her DAD are standing in matching updated Eddie Bauer parkas. She wears a head set.


I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

He says to the F/X guys as the Porsche flips over.

1995-1997 – living on college with hot roommate writer – FAMOUS ACTOR 2 friend of DADs hangs out goes  with her to see apartment ( this one is at her wedding 2001) – fantasy here…. They sleep together – totally dark Ramona and blue and greens above bar street cars so loud!!!!

SC21 Other film sets not her DADS – YOUNGER FAMOUS ACTOR – partying platonic  out for drinks with her friends too etc… he is in relationship with grunge actresses too from AMY movie – those clerks guys – Kevin smith – young famous actor wants to start production company together with her and for her to be his assistant neither ready he has agent call her in this apartment – she now listens to Dwight Yokam – roommate thinks she is crazy – they sleep together sometimes – she can’t go to Thailand or NY to be his assistant no visa – she calls drunk and leaves angry messages – SWINGERS VIBE

Matt 1First year montreal – star trek his mom just died – sort of date rape later way down on ST LAURENT and even later works in film…

Matt2well friend of ex no sex Italian bass player funny – never thought of him like that brother of ex’s girlfriend when she goes back home after first year…has depression issues ( roommate moody and death of dad – has three friends whose dads had died)

Matt3film set locations guy one of many (there were at least three locations guys – don’t forget old grip on naked lunch and dancing with mug wamp…at 19) He played guitar and

That other guy Damien and coke and that fat gay guy who sold him coke and the dailies on wouldn’t sleep with Sabina then she sleeps with Duncan at his house then gets on bus with period and no tampons to visit friend who has new boyfriend who doesn’t speak much English – isreali they do coke what is she doing – new years in ny as usual but Sabina goes home with Ethiopian guy and ends up with no contacts somewhere in new jersey (we really are who we are in our 20’s says dad I say oh oh) calls friend she sends cab to get her – they do coke in moving van….she goes back to apartment on college – sleeps with roommate…he has writing office there THIS RELATIONSHIP NOW They both work in film they do the three day writing competition and he wins…towels on windows coming back form that – the day she wears overalls he gives her a massage and they have best sex in there living room he is too big really…she loves him and they make dinner with his sister and friend, they go over there and have such a good time – he says they have dysfunctional relationship and he has to move out – she sees matt three who is really gross and mean and his roommate is a huge coke head and they have an African hedge hog that shits everywhere – they have road trip to mexico together with best friend with new car from parents – she never sleeps with roommate when with matt 3 – they drive to texas to pick up friend – go to memphis to grace land to sun studios she gets a ring and a hank Williams cd…pick up friend go to mexico fishing village and have wavous rancherous so good, tequila and drink worm, they share room friend weird moody hard to be third wheel…driving in fog late night others sleeping – on way back drug check and Sabina has pot in under ware max the dog about to catch her – guards don’t understand why car so light weight – aluminum – max runs off to the field miraculously! They are free to go.

Relationship deteriorates quickly because of coke and African hedgehog shit.

Matt4actually matt one knew him from 6 years old – outside on bench. They try it no sex really do some coke really, really good coke and dance at a Spanish latin club (same club later with actors from movie bumped off dance floor again…like when in great 10) – “I want the relationship you have with ____(roommate)” “No I’ve done that not going to do it again.”  The three of them hang out at the dip that summer.


Here starts other JOURNAL bring it in – festival – collision SABINA 25yrs old. 1997

EDINBURGH (mom and dad were there for festival before Sabina was born) Party, dancing opening of festival huge party haggis (sister freaks out and has to go home) Sabina dances with guy and goes back to hotel with him leaving young brother there to fend for himself…In hotel room incredible room huge they have sex and he leaves her his gold flower – British blond just back from travel in Thailand. Next scene they are at a huge church party with circus side show and free gin and tonics.  Sabina asks him “want to go back to my room for a quick shag?”

Shag. They are really gelling and she is so happy.

Underground party in Cave – drum and base she goes to dance alone has never heard this music before asks for a drag of a joint the dancers think she is crazy – she is loving it!

Trips with family – SHAMOO – Climb Mountain – go to b and b – such good food – go to artist garden – screening and autographs

At some of the festival people’s flat smoking hash, things are starting to get tense because her trip is almost over and he is living there now.

POND tension but nice and flirty – she isn’t needy at all b/c she is travelling…

His Kitchen night she no longer has the room to herself is sharing it with brother because sister and step mom have gone to London to visit friend and he shares a room with his room mate why he didn’t ask him to go somewhere else…she says “let’s not spoil it” by exchanging addresses – she got the girls numbers anyway and they have hers – they try and have sex on stove but can’t she has to go…

TORONTO College street roommate they hang a bit (Overlap here with above – time overlap)

UTAH with family – Sabina sitting in the worshop in the tents Robert redford walks around – some famous young actors to see later all eating in tent like a camp for film makers and actors – the great hall re-enacting shorts  beautiful surroundings her alone walking up and down hills – she misses Edinburgh guy…

Toronto – Sabina and roommate wasted at bar she especially designs chocolate strawberry martini – she throws up.

From above – day after she breaks up with Matt 3 location guy she tries ecstasy and acid together at same time – she leaves everyone and ends up alone ( can’t handle bar or hanging alone at neighbours who is sleeping with roommate too) running on track with remote control in her pocket thinking she is a rat “I am a rat”. They aren’t nice to her when she say she feels good or bad it’s really her first trip – they are jealous…also high next day and goes to park and swings for hours can hardly walk after and cries all day her roommate leave her and she goes up stairs to young cute bar tender musician roommates and makes them play backgammon with her until “you’ll have to kick me out”

Sabina alone at midtown drinking and talking with prep cook friend hanging out – she ad’s in film so has some cash – supports her self…

Apartment sofa pot sofa girl’s phone call from mother “they took us down to the river”…moving to Ithaca whatever more shit about moving…mom and brother visit here as they do every where she has lived montreal too…

New York New York with girls the same four pot spring time boys in the bar make up and cards and coffee  on 9th street such a great spring in the east village – café’s and shopping – breath…

Working on film visit from old montreal friend – she says roommate confided in her about death of dad etc she is there because in fight with isreali boyfriend and wants to break up – on film set with her.

Visit from Montreal friend married to Japanese guy she also befriends roommate and she says go in and tell him how you feel. He says “NoNoNO” She leaves crying – they have had sex in his bed and hers since and people are starting to find out…

She goes into his office one day and says I love you lets do this – he says I love you but not in that way. Later says they need to move out – she cries to her dad he offers apartment to keep she declines…so

ROAD TRIP TO TAOS WITH FIRST LOVE AND ROOMATE – 2 writing on type writers  S and roommate  – SABINA reading on the road and all of his books – the first third and Kerouac’s wife’s book later. The Colorado style Adobe house stove and rooms drinking and writing and food…strictly platonic they both annoy her. Roommate stays there doesn’t answer phone and Sabina has a sublet – one of them she has a crush on…finally they get in touch with roommate he says he has to move out – Sabina gets offer from dad to still live there but she decides to move out of area onto quiet street with trees – she has already met man she is going to marry. They walk and drink – she isn’t into roommate at all and she drove with ex from California to pick him up and they even stayed in hotel drinking and there was nothing – he was so uptight and never wanted to do anything but drive straight and save on gas etc…and they were both annoying house sitting for mom but he left roommate there for couple of months he drove stuff down and Sabina went for ride – met in la when she gets back the roommate is awol  – he had said when I get back from taos find a new roommate I am moving out – he did try to sleep with her after she met fiancé in taxi cab and she said no she was engaged…

Trip friends wedding (this is friend from sofa mushrooms and who dated roommate etc) to Ireland Trip to UK for wedding with friend old roommate for friend sofa mushrooms – wedding at the Savoy  FIRST TRIP TO IRELAND road trip – friend now engaged Sabina still single – up for a change – to move or something -26years old – meets fiancé on this trip. They drive across Ireland in 6 hours. Dublin drinks smooth talker – Tension with friend who is such a flirt no matter what and is getting married – Omaha bombing in Northen Ireland right where they stayed so sad IRA – the family they stay with tell them about how they try to get tourists – they are at gas station and don’t know what to do in Northern Ireland it’s dark and they have just gone to see the behmore stone circles and they get sent to catholic b and b – Friend speaking Hebrew at top of lungs…three days later bombing  at shopping centre, kids killed….”The best craft shop in the world” “Is that true”…u turn…

1998-2001 BACK in LONDON day before friends wedding at the savoy…

SCS22 GOSSIP Famous Young actress on other film starting out wanted her to be her assistant – SABINA meets her fiancé –

Meeting and don’t forget stones that place Avery stone circle – druids etc.

Other British actress gives her free ticket to England goes to see fiancé


Toronto young girl Fleetwood mac, beatles, elvis Costello and Presley, rolling stones

Toronto young teenager Jesse’s girl rick springfield, bruce springstein, duran duran, blondie, the police, rolling stones SALT’N PEPPA

Toronto highschool reggae, zepplin, Hendrix, Joplin – boyfriends music…GUN”S and ROSES neil young Crosby stills nash and young, LOU REED

University – grateful dead – almond brothers – Montreal Liz Fair exit in guyville/ pj Harvey/shutter to think/ breeders last splash – road trips vs bar scene etc…led zeppelin -  annie de franco, blue rodeo,

Toronto early 20’s only listening to music of roommate – wilco and sloan  – hers is The Bends Radio head and young movie star friend sort of…country Dwight yokam

UK mid twenties – drum and base – from festival cave, ecstasy vibe

35 scenes sketched out in hastingss


Aka reeling



Aka reeling



Aka reeling


Aka reeling



and words from that trip that i took out

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15 pages of 75

Down the Street

Fifteen pages of 75 Sent in for

Admission to

The Humber School for Writers Correspondence Course

May 2010

I was accepted but dropped the course and am now in a yoga teachers training course at Yoga Space to deepen my practice and learn to sit still while going through a divorce. The first 6 pages of Down the Street is being published in Canadian Voices Volume 11

The rest of this story, I will try to edit soon…


Cassandra Cronenberg Hunter

Down the street on the street these lyrics can’t be beat, this is my head don’t destroy it, I gotta place to be to be he said, I gotta place to be he said, bouncing along the street as he often did and always did before and forever. This is the way he walks, this is the way she walks, he/she, he, she, he, she, this is where it is, the never ending flow why does there have to be finality why does there have to be a finality can it not keep going can it not keep going. “This is she”. This is a girl’s life. The life of a girl not the life of this hustler this hustler who is on the street doing coke living to the beat coughing and cursing and hurting this is not his life this is hers this is her life now. Can this be it can this be the life she lives from then to now the street is hers she is a musician you can tell from the way she walks but not the irritating kind of woman who continues to sing all the time weather whether she is walking around or not she has the music in her head but she doesn’t need to always show she is a singer and sing at every occasion but yes when she starts she can’t stop she cannot stop she needs to find a guitar player but not to fall in love just to be able to still be married and to have this guitar this age she is now is this where the story begins or is she younger is she younger is this the way “what do you want?” “What do you want?” he said to me once and she crosses her hands in front of her and back out and juts her chin to him and he says I’ll remember that for next time. A fight she wants to fight. No one had ever asked her that before or understood her actions like that or directed her like that before.“What do you want what do you want, so quickly with his chin out with his British toughness and smoothness he says I’ll remember that for next time he says, she loves him then.

This is where she is now they are together and he is her producer. They have breakfast, they read the paper, is she “high or low”, he gives her the thumbs up, they go on vacation together, they have a routine and they record her and he is behind the glass and has to see him all the time totally dependent on what he thinks of her and he leaves her when she has to be alone. “I have to go” If he didn’t she would never get off the couch as it is she can hardly get off. He knows her cycle where she is at ovulating or not he is controlling and sometimes she rebels.  The Irish in her comes out and she breaks free and runs and runs free. When he runs free he used drugs and porn and prostitution when she runs free she is like a wild horse running free why can’t he be? They do coke together some times but in a very polite fashion and grown up not like the bouncing at the reggae club this bouncing and bouncing doesn’t work for her it’s too speedy. This is another guy tony let’s say it’s Tony and he is the coke and porn and speedy Brit they call him the brief kind of guy who comes into town when her and her producer are living their civilized music life with a bit of rock and roll he comes to visit them Tony and he causes trouble his fast ways are attractive to her scary and uncouth they stir up all of this she is ovulating and she ends up in bed with him one night after a few lines of lovely coke she wants him he reminds her of when they first met her and Jeremy when they first met and he was so beautiful and so strong and such a good driver and so on the edge of life and so raw and untouchable. Tony kind of reminds her of how Jeremy once was way too into the London drug and music scene for her coming from Toronto it was a bit dark and fast and expensive but she liked that that is what she liked. She wanted to be stabbed and put in jail it all seemed so romantic. Like her Yugoslavian lover who could not go home because of the war when she travelled in Czechoslovakia as a teen ager and searching about her Jewish identity and her father who is he? That street life, the motorcycles the coke the music the film this was attractive to her of course.

Sitting at her vanity putting on her make up before the show, eye to eye, the line of mascara over the top eye lid, her silk blue dress half price with her fly London shoes, this was in the middle, to this was when she lived above the Italian restaurant on college street her vanity but not the silk dress, this dress is now and Jeremy comes later when she is in her forties and doing large shows larger concerts. The seventies a girl, the eighties becoming a teenager and stepping out trying to learn guitar, trying but it only happens for her later. Is this it? Her life didn’t lend itself to that of a painter. And always in school that dream of a PhD has to go that dream will go can’t focus on too many just get rid of the 31% turn it into an incomplete and then carry on with this faith with no money and put it into child care this is what will happen. Does she have children now or later as a married artist painter and musician and writer this is what she does this is her will she be a teacher too will she get her MA maybe not it is too hard for her to do this now. Let that dream go and carry on with this one thank you Jeremy for helping me this time, the people who help these are the ones to love and to help these reciprocal relationships.

Now the lip liner just a bit around the bottom and fill it in lightly so it will stay and bit of L’Oreal gloss this is her now in front of the mirror seeing the lines by her eyes. She will be forty in three years. Her room is pale yellow the wood furniture is dark and a bit art deco as is she, the jazz singer. The full lips and dark eyes her silk blue dress her brown leather shoes with wood heels she looks like she came out of the war, to the war and Ester and Miles and the street on Crawford. Pilvishik Lithuania. She was an eccentric dresser and played piano for the National Ballet, he wrote for the Globe and Mail and collected stamps, the collection agency came and took all of their furniture away. Lie down with dogs and you get up with flees and they were an eccentric couple so her neighbours parents say now that she had moved south of Bloor with her husband, down where they would have been beaten up if they had lived there before. This is where it is, this is the place where they live. She is also like them, like her and now also like him, they are in her: Her jazz.

Jeremy said thank you or was that Tony when she dressed up for him when they went to see reggae as she had done many times before at Roots Bamboo in Negril Jamaica and at the Bamboo club in Toronto before it closed down on Queen Street, with her ex who just like him, like Jeremy except not addicted to coke of course,  with blond hair and blue eyes just like her and his friend was her friend and they were the couple and now she is with the dark haired one and he the blue eyed one is the friend, opposites now and similar. The shark who cannot stop moving or else it will die, are all people with blue eyes like sharks I wonder, this is how it is, she is now a writer a musician and painter and likes to figure out the body and seeing into the future and where is it they go these will be her friends other people hurt her and they cannot be talked to anymore, it’s only a friend if they don’t hurt you if they can’t hurt you. It’s fine if it keeps going in.

It is just that the father of her children he was an owl and puffed out on occasion and she couldn’t get to having sex with him again, she could never figure out how. Is that how she met Tony? She ended up in bed with him or was that Jeremy? That was how she ended up in bed with him but she had been with men like him before and was that Tony or Jeremy?

When he poured his rum into her glass she loved him of course she said “well I haven’t been drinking that all night “and poured it back into his glass. Then softly she said alright and he poured it back into her glass and she drank it. She drank rum and cokes for years and years with her first love, the blond with blue eyes and they went to Jamaica together and camped on the beach. She lost her virginity to him but he also tormented her with his female friends. Although it’s quite possible she could be tormented or would be tormented by any one of her lover’s female friends.

She wants to smoke always to smoke always back to the cigarette this will make it bad at the end it really will. She tries not to smoke as she has a drag and watches herself in the vanity mirror must really try it would be nice to on occasion have one or two.

She doesn’t want to depend on others she cannot just bum from anyone she needs her own but only for Saturdays only for now not for later what about her daughters and the love can’t happen with smoke in the mouth and on the clothes it’s not good for them. But she has to be realistic. It is realistic. Just for today not for tomorrow or for when she is getting the kids or any of that it is not good for any of that just keep going only for going out if she goes out she can buy a pack otherwise she shouldn’t do it she shouldn’t smoke at all she can’t sing and smoke anyway it’s too painful. The energy comes out for painting this is what she does with that and anger for painting and then for the exercise it is important to exercise as well this she can do sometimes and not others.

She finishes her cigarette and puts it out in the ash tray by the window. She puts her hair up into a butterfly clip and is ready to go. There is nothing there with her husband anymore but she has dressed up for Jeremy and he says thank you and again she loves him. He helped her cut the ties off her shoulders and still and to make the dress new again and still she went upstairs and comes back down after she has put her make up on and sees the swirling pink design on the back of his t-shirt and she sends it to him and he feels it as she walks down the stairs and they are right there together again. This is how her father and step mom are they are together again whenever they are together alone and travelling but for her and her husband it’s not the same really it doesn’t feel like that to her it never was really like that. They just kept going without really having to be together again they never had that what she has with Jeremy but not a fantasy not just a fantasy but one that works for them one that really works for them into his back and her into him and this is what they felt they felt it together into the backs.

He said she should have done what her friend did coming down in an outfit ready for her show one that she made saying here I am and then tada and he says ok but she asked Jeremy to help her cut the ties off and he helped her look up even though she will never ask him if she looks ok or talk to him about her bowels these things are what he has made clear to her on this trip and that is what they have done although he did help her look up instead of down and her bowels are functioning much better thank you for asking I can happily keep that to myself. We must try but there is support and that works to. She just can’t see how the hair flipping rugby player can also be him can also be him who she walked down the stairs to see who was there.

ON the sofa her heart opened to him, her heart chakra I guess this is her too. It is a great thing. When she is three things will be better. Are they really meant to talk alone when they are alone? Her and the father of her children and going to see a therapist together in November actually on the same day they lost their first baby. Why does she feel so separate from him so, so separate? All the time his mother said to her that we are only just a bit better than their generation as far as the relationships and marriage go they both ended in divorce or stayed and involved cheating.

It was like they were on a date he wanted to speak to me and to go out with me let us go out so we can go out he said let him go out with his friend so that we can go out which we did the next night all of us together I just don’t understand. He speaks to her in ways she has never heard and loves him for this but then he is bouncing and on coke and her heart hurts and she feels the reggae and Israel and that is her heart, that is where her heart is.

Her grandfather in Ottawa died this weekend she is sure of it at 95. What about the cottage, the canoe, Trudeau? They might have to move to England. She loves her neighbours the musicians. She loves them and sees the warmth that the UK doesn’t have, the island the attack “it’s too much for her” he says as she squats down speaking to the Israeli about New York and how he can’t get in. It’s too much for her.

Did he fly over for me even though it was his friends fortieth birthday? Did he hear that divorce was eminent and wanting to keep it all in the family he came to her. Is he a bachelor? Most likely but it would be good to talk to him about his children. Why always putting his hands on her hips to say stay skinny that she must stay skinny this is the producer he has become. She is the female Elvis and of course becomes fat and does too many drugs and O.D.’s and then is a spirit that flies around protecting and watching her daughters grow without her.

This makes her sad to see her own future this vision she wants to read people to read her tarot cards to read, her aunt taught her, her mother taught her the vision, her father had visions, how to make them clear to clean them first to read them to read the situation, furrowing her brow instead of just blacking out, it happens all the time and she can’t figure out why. The bartender at the corner coffee bar says it happens to people. She connects it to her Jewishness then but maybe it is because of her separation or because of this art where she goes to write it’s where she goes in her head when she comes in and out of writing. Her fits. She has her fits her writing fits her imagination fits. Her stomach this is a mystery to be figured out some day but not now.

She is a European Jew she needs to look at Lithuania and Pilvishuk she needs to find this out what happened there her cousin went and the town doesn’t exist anymore it’s just a cemetery. Her grandparents on her dads side where both from there but met over here in Toronto although Miles was from Maryland and she Ester was in Toronto but both lived around the corner from each other this does help it really does. She is also Irish and English this Pagenness she is both of these things and German and French too these things too when you are all of these people it can be confusing and certainly you will not be marrying the boy next door and if you do they may turn out to be a Scottish depressive who kills themselves in their 70’s, half upper class British of course. So high up that not only are they related to Bertrand Russell, the Russell’s, but his mother’s granny’s god mother was Queen Victoria and was named after her because her father was a duke of some sort. How could she know that when she was sitting with her favourite eastern European Jewish immigrant grandma at her piano singing the Grand O’Duke of York with Poopy the cat climbing on the back of the light coloured wooden upright at the age of six that her own daughter would be singing the same song with her granny in England on a similar coloured upright.

Her English grandfather many, many, 7 generations Canadian from England always talked about the history and British history, the battle of Hastings is where her daughter’s granny lives.

Her beloved fathers mother Ester, her son came to fame to Toronto to Canada came to this and built and became who he is and became class as the father of my children said before we were married the nouveau riche and made fun of us as I made fun of his incestuous coming from money dangerous family.

Where does the Jamaican thing come from? Where does this come from the trust fund who first told her about that? Oh her friend the couple the women the one who writes music with the dark hair not the blue eyed film maker – what is this about the ruthlessness of the blue eyes. Well it was fair really although she knew he owned his own flat like her old friend m had money left when his dad died and he was best friends with her first love they lived together in the same house. He lived in his house like Jeremy lived in the father of her children’s house. He was a dealer when she met him and so was he a dealer when she met him, they both, the brown hair brown eyes, played music and they, the blue eyes with blond hair sold drugs and worried about the environment and wanted to travel and made big plans but rarely saw them through and were less stable with less money. These pair’s of men, she’s had a few.

The Jamaica connection is funny though but yes back to that it was fair because as much as she knew he owned his own flat, he knew her dad had money and she had money working in film and her own car etc., as did he. In this way it was fair because she didn’t know about the Jamaican trust fund babies and he didn’t know about her film family.

Oh yes there was another pair when she lived on college above the Italian restaurant m and p although his eyes were green but yes they both played music and the dark haired one was more depressed then the other although the green eyed one also had lost his dad too, all of these pairs of opposites with no father’s, where did all the father’s go?

Now the pair now or for the last 10 years 10years by 10 years by 10 years and now the pair who are her musician neighbours with dark and blue male and female though and now she and the father for her children are also blue and brownish green. She remembers her dad talking to her about genetics and drawing it for her in squares on a napkin on the white modern kitchen island in the 80’s with bb and gr and br and that all mixing together would make different colours. Her dad and step mom going to have babies and her being the dark one and he the blond with blue eyes although not really, more black Irish, blue eyes and dark hair.

What about him who she met years ago at the Communist’s Daughter and his crazy half Jewish political alcoholic wife and their son the same age as her first daughter and there first baby even much worse than ours, Solace, he is Irish, dark hair and blue eyes and a drinker, unlike her father who never drank. They wooed her to work with them, she, the wife who was her old friend from Montreal, said she was his first choice and it became sexual of course. She hasn’t learned how to make art with anyone without it being too sexual. Well the two in between seemed to work better, the painter in her studio, 1’st generation Scott and the chemistry was there but no infidelity and the, well seeing the rudeness of men always helps to end the fantasy.  Get off my back; she always feels that way with them, with people, get off my back.

They always say the worst things, men that is, the painter says “You really need to find a better way to get around” meaning she needs to find a way that is not sexual, but what about chemistry and pulling people out not to have sex with them but to connect to the chemistry. Maybe she was too promiscuous in her 20’s. With Jeremy in the house she wanted to have owner ship of him to sleep with him so he would be hers she is so possessive. He is like her dad she wants to possess him. Like the dream with her old roommate and her cousin and her dad all in an old, old room and she is like a prostitute but they are all in bed together in the old house with wood and she spills the tray of beads she throws the tray everywhere. She puts her hand underneath and lifts them into the air FLYING IN RAGE. What were they all doing in bed together – she never gets the bear. She never got any of them. Well her roommate for a bit and he was a bear.

“Nearly there” he says when we are so clearly there, that is what is so annoying, she really hates him she really does hate him. He tries to be like his mother or maybe he just is, nearly there makes her want to smash him over the head and kill him.

They also had many conversations in her childhood family about inni’s and outi’s the belly buttons always, now her daughters one with sandy blond hair, hazel green eyes and olive in her skin and an inni and her younger daughter fairer, with some red in her blond hair and dark blue eyes and an outi.

She is going to quit smoking just to spite him the father of her children who she hates and has been married to for almost 10years, she will quit or buy her own so that he will not have control over her. She hates the control. She hates this. She is scared to be alone and she has no money and they have children and she has realized that it is too hard to be out there and to date and to figure this all out is the only way, is this where Jeremy comes into it?

“You have hit me many times he says.” I see where this is going she thinks to herself, I hate his weakness AND ITS NOT TRUE and just in thoses words she has been turned into a violent women who beats her husband just in those words just before her eyes he is a different person speaking to someone else that is not her, yes she yells but when he said that she new it had to be over this was just an untruth beyond words and then at that moment  she hates him so much. Yes to say let’s have therapy together and she says to him, “I have never been in a relationship like this before where you passively passive aggressively say things and I then becomes incensed with rage and cannot control it so I walk away so that and the children don’t see it and it happens all the time over and over again,” and he then smiles and sees that she cares and she hates him more and wants to hurt him even more and starts to yell and he seems totally mellow and it goes almost unseen then we see this is what happens it’s passive aggressive it’s finally all clear he pushes a button instead of saying what he is feeling then he says “What? I didn’t do anything. I didn’t mean that. You read into it.” And he changes the tone he said it in and then nothing comes of it except she goes ballistic and he acts like the victim and the kids see him and the innocent and her as the crazy screamer and he is left in the clear with the force field around him and never says what he might have meant. Nothing is figured out, he never ever lets her in ever and he never says anything that might be behind it. He always, always says he meant nothing by it: The jab.

Jeremy was different, he introduced saying “weird” when something weird happens or was said that he thought was weird, then it can be explained and when he yelled at her there was a moment of connection of warmth because she used the term “weird” back to him, a term she had used her whole life, and they figured and him saying she had to be more decisive on the beach was strange when she said to him did he feel badly because her youngest daughter and he wanted to walk and her oldest and her wanted to drive, then things worked out differently and he was in the car yelling that she “needed to get a job” and that she “keeps complaining that she cannot deal” with her two year old and she says she “doesn’t just want any job”. She sees she is hard work too, but fuck are they hard work, Jeremy and Orlando her husband, seriously hard work. She longs for the week when he is not around.

The night is dark and wet and she has her small black umbrella that Jeremy bought her when they went on their date to the Thai Elephant. Orlando, the father of her children, was there too but they still went out a bit, her and Jeremy that is. She see’s now that she can go out with lots of people and it doesn’t mean that sex will be good she doesn’t want sex anyway. When she and Jeremy ended upstairs together that night it wasn’t what she wanted. He had been working out and all but he was just like who she had been with before when she was in her twenties in Edinburgh for the film festival, it was great sex but not something she could live with anyway he found his morals and got to see her so that was all fine. How is she meant to find the way in with her husband when he covers her in sorrow or is a stick insect or is a boy how can it ever work?

It was like they were dating and getting ready for their relationship while they were with her husband because it is too hard to get out there it is too hard.

The thing is they can’t even do coke again, he was so ugly and she can’t have sex like that and it just turns it all into something so ugly and that has to stop, it all has to stop like before the whole reason they moved to Toronto was to get out of the drugs scene in London, if they go back will it still be there, what if they end up together him and his friend Jeremy they end up doing drugs and being together? Not like sexually but Jeremy did keep sticking his ass out and she was like “what are you doing?” That is not right she shook her head and he said “thank you” at the Thai restaurant and yes she wasn’t listening to everything he was saying not because it wasn’t interesting but because she has travelled too, she has been places too, she has things to say too. He looked at her and loved her then, “we went out just then” he said. She is just learning about love.

This is the opium war this is the 1839-1843 opium war the Nanking treaty that lead to Hong Kong going to Britain until 1997. This is the most interesting thing and always has been. Britain had been trading with China for tea but china wanted nothing from Britain so they traded gold. Tea took off in popularity in that it became the national drink and it was something they sent down the mine shafts to the workers, the miners, to show them they cared. When they tried to trade wool etc., for the tea because they were losing so much money China said no. To this Britain went to their colony, the colonized in India, and took opium from there and started trading opium for tea. After years of this and the Chinese becoming addicted to opium the Chinese Government cracked down on it and tried to rid the trade. Britain could not accept this and went to war with China for the tea. They won and took Hong Kong in the treaty of Nanking.

She lived this year when the treaty ended and Hong Kong went back. The rain pelted down hard and the only sound was her wood heels against the cement. She was off tea and back on coffee but she was trading pot and wine for rum and coke just for a little while. She bumped into the musician couple.

“Where are you headed?”

“Singing in the market how about you?”

“I’ll go with you then I need to find my way back to that.”

She tried to kiss Jeremy on the sofa, on the mouth and he said “cheek” which she supposed much, much later could be nice too just one not two like the French or three like the Dutch like she was use to but just one, she was used to kissing her father and sister on the mouth like the Europeans do, this is closeness this is the way. “My sister, my father!” She screamed after swooping in for the kill. She was so angry and swerved up like a bird at the water having missed its fish.

Before, when they were visiting her husband’s mother in England Jeremy had come for a visit she was wet for the first time then and was with him every time after that. He came to tell them about his girlfriend and they almost made out behind the shed. Then he teased her saying “ewww are you wet?” in that cruel way and she ran off down the garden back into the house. That night when he left to go home as he always did and had done many times before in many configurations of women and children, they kissed in the side room to say good bye and there was an explosion beyond anything she had ever felt before, his ex was on the phone and he was leaving to his new girlfriend but they would always have that.

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